Wednesday, December 31, 2008

To laugh again...

December 31, 2008

Rather than read from Shattered Dreams this evening, God led me to continue in my Stepping Up Bible study... It reaffirmed for me what I am learning through Shattered Dreams. Beth Moore says "God's delivering us from every ounce of trial will never develop the relationship that occurs when God shows Himself faithful right in the midst of difficulty, delivering us through it. That's where we come to know Him, to love Him, to appreciate Him. When our lives are immersed in Him, every ending, everything we believe to be the death of is instead a hand-engraved invitation to a new beginning." Here's to new beginnings... This shattered dream is developing a much deeper and closer relationship with Him. I know Him, love Him, and appreciate Him like never before. And as hard as this journey is I am thankful for it...

After the last couple of rough days, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I sat and wept with thanks and not sorrow. Thankful for a word from Him and comfort just when I needed it. And a pretty awesome way to end the year...

He says it so much better than me, so here are just a few of the scriptures that spoke to me...

Psalm 125: 1 & 2
Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.

Picture that with me... surrounded by Him, hemmed in by Him, His presence looming over you from every direction. Nothing can close in on you without closing in on Him first. Hallelujah!!!

Psalm 34: 17-19
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all

Acts 14:22
"We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God"

Psalm 116:1-7
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

It's been a hard year but He has been good...

Isaiah 43: 16, 18-19
This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Psalm 30: 8-12
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Psalm 126
When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

We will laugh again...

Goodbye 2008 and hello 2009, I know there are still rough days weeks and even months ahead but I know He is with me...

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victoria says...
"As I was getting ready to head out tonight I was thinking of you & Chris. Funny, the only email tonight once home was from the people I thought about all night. With all that you have endured this year, I pray Lord for you both to have an "easier" year. We are all here with you. Take care" (12/31/08)

Monday, December 29, 2008

We were able to laugh...

We took Andrew to the airport late this afternoon... As we were waiting in line to check in, we were able to laugh. It is so hard to say goodbye yet were able to laugh even if only for a moment.

There was a couple standing in line in front of us with a toddler... he like any little boy wanted to explore. His ever so patient mommy kept telling him he had to stay close to her. If not, he had to go in the stroller. One too many times he strayed... the first time she attempted to put him in the stroller was hilarious, arms and legs flailing everywhere. Chris and I couldn't help but chuckle. Andrew was a houdini when it came to the stroller or a car seat. And don't even think about trying to put him in either if he didn't want to go. You could push him in the stroller and was able to put the brakes on with his feet and almost topple the stroller. Well, Grandpa rescued him the first time... then it happened again. It was funnier the second time, arms flailing, legs kicking and screaming, "mommy stay, mommy stay." Daddy decided to show her up this time, he could get him the stroller... he did and when he pushed it, the screaming little boy would put the brakes on with his short little legs... All Chris and I would do was laugh, but I do remember a day when it was not so funny...

Then we had to say goodbye and the tears came...

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kari says...
"It is fun to laugh now and then, huh? I'm glad you got to spend time with Andrew..." (12/29/08)

LJ says...
"We love our Andrew!!! Glad he could see a glimpse of the past!" (12/30/08)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Christmas memory...

December 24

a Christmas memory...

I remember the year that both kids woke up us at a little after 2 am, YES, 2AM!!! Christmas came early that year, literally!!!

Last year, Rachel's favorite present was the PINK camera that "Santa" brought her... some of my favorite pictures of her lately are her "self portraits." Enjoy them...

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LJ says...
"We always have called Rachel and Andrew, "ours", just like we have always called our kids. I love seeing these pictures of "Our Rachel"!
We love you all!!" (12/30/08)

Georgia Fulenwider says...
"it was even funnier thinking out loud that he might have twin little boys that were as rowdy and rambunctious as he was or little girls, what a hoot that would be... " (12/30/08)

Emiley says...
"What great pictures! She's gorgeous!! I really love the picture of her eye, I've always wanted to have eyes that color!" (1/20/09)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Shattered Pot...Treasure in Jars of Clay

December 23, 2008

OK so, this is backwards... I went to bed at 8 pm, I was really tired. I had an exhausting day, grief is exhausting...

It is now 11:30 and He woke me up... We haven't had any meetings like this lately and certainly not this early in the evening. I have missed these sweet times even if they were at 3 am. After I broke the treasured clay pot on Sunday and there seemed to be no message, I was worried... I remember thinking after I broke it ~ God what are you going to reveal to me this time? The thought brought tears to my eyes. Then nothing but a few thoughts... this one is going to come to me in pieces, maybe that's all I can take right now.

It's ok to hurt; remember the gift, the indescribable gift...

I AM your treasure...

Shattered dreams are your treasure...

Your pain has a purpose...

There is NO way to ME but through the rubble, through not around...

I know it is hard but with ME, YOU can do this...

Take my hand, walk and believe...

HE is also telling me that I may never see the purpose in this journey; this side of heaven anyway, and I think I am ok with that. Right now I am going to embrace the journey, thank and praise HIM for it...

I am ok with pieces and rubble... I treasure these times with HIM.

2 Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

John 3:30
He must become greater; I must become less.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

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the quietness of the season...

December 20, 2008

It seems I have been quiet for a bit, it's hard right now... it is ,a quiet that hurts deeply... We miss her so... It seems that every day closer to Christmas is a bit harder than the day before... I was reading MaryBeth Chapmans's newsletter and it says so much better than I can put into words at the moment that I wanted to share. However, I have made it more personal and in a way that relates to our season...

We are still grieving and coming to terms with the reality that Rachel and my dad are gone from us, but present with Christ. We honestly don’t like that very much. As we enter this Christmas season and all of the festivities that it brings, it also makes the point even louder that one of us is missing. A stocking that won’t be filled and less presents under the tree. Rachel had a contagious smile & laugh that would fill the room. The reality that the precious smile & laughter of Rachel won’t be heard for awhile has been a quiet loudness that screams for Jesus to come quickly…not as a baby in a humble manger, but as the King of all Kings that will wipe all of the confusion and tears from this sad momma’s eyes! I am eagerly anticipating His arrival.

October 24th Rachel turned 15. April 28th Rachel left for heaven. We don’t like it at all, and wish with all the wish in us that God would’ve spared us this cross, but for some reason beyond understanding, our family was chosen to walk this journey of suffering out in front of the world. Our only hope is that Christ Himself has been seen. Your prayers have been felt. Thanks from the deepest part of our hearts!

How would I have lived differently if I knew that my time with Rachel was going to be this short? Regretfully, I would have lived much differently. I would have purposely hugged and kissed more. I would have tried to memorize and lock away in my heart certain smells and smiles. I would have colored more and worked less. I would have laughed more and fussed less. I would have listened more and offer whatever words were needed. I mean really listened...

I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son’s death. I know she saw him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would she him again, but she was still his mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore she was chosen to be Jesus’ mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted and give birth in a dirty stable. Most of the time at Christmas we end the story there…. in the stable, with Mary, Joseph and Jesus receiving their company. Wise men, shepherds, and angels - you get the picture in your head right? The star, the animals, the Nativity! What about the rest of it? Mary, mothering the Son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see him suffer and thus she too would suffer. I think when Mary was hiding things in her heart; it was a lot more than the reality of whom she carried in her womb. I am certain that she was hiding away the memories of first smiles and steps, as well as the first tears and tumbles. Knowing what was to come, did Mary have the opportunity to live differently as a mom to her little boy? I believe she did. I am sure that she watched him differently, taught him differently, and prayed differently. I can only imagine the discussions that she and Joseph would have when their son wasn’t listening, how they probably begged God to let the cup pass from them, but in the end yielding up the prayer we all hesitate to pray when it comes to our children…. Your will be done. UGGHH!!!! I don’t want to. I didn’t want to on April 28th, and honestly I still don’t want to now. Yet somehow we did, and somehow we will continue to. I am reminded more than ever this Christmas, that it doesn’t end at the Nativity in Bethlehem in a cozy manger… it is a journey all the way to the cross on the hill in Golgotha on Good Friday.

Christmas for Chris, Andrew & I this year represents suffering. For that matter, from here on may we always remember that it represents the ultimate suffering that came. But isn’t it amazing that it is called GOOD Friday? Why is it good if it is full of suffering? Because Easter came on Sunday and what Satan intended for evil, God intended for GOOD! Christmas ultimately ends at Easter and the reality that we will see Rachel again! If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ. I am thankful this Christmas more than ever for Easter. When all the questions I have will be answered and all the tears I have will be wiped away. Until then, Merry Christmas with the reality that Easter came and all of this suffering will some day be gone in a moment, and all things will become new and right and awesome! (courtesy of MB Chapman with my own thougths mingled in)

Thank for your prayers during this journey. It isn’t an easy one and your love and support is continually needed. May you be richly blessed for gracing us with your love.

Longing to see her sweet smile and hear her laugh in Heaven,


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robin says...
"Thank you for sharing Mary Beth's words with us. She has no idea how the Lord is using her thoughts to minister to you and probably countless others this "would-be" joyous time of year. Our thoughts are with you as well. It hit me pretty hard to receive your Christmas card signed from "Chris, Georgia, and Andrew". I know it was more difficult for you to write it. We love you and still pray for you.
Merry Christmas,
The Selfs" (12/21/08)

Wanda Galloway says...
"Still praying dear sister. Your suffering is not in vain. I am touched and changed by your grief. Something I know you would have wished skipped over you.
I can't say anything magical that would take away your sorrow.....but I can pray and I can trust God to heal your heart.
Thank you for living outloud and sharing what God is doing in spite of your heartache. You inspire and encourage....and it's because of Rachel. God is using her every single day! May God blanket you with His love." (12/21/08)

Kari says...
"Nurse :)
YOu did live your life the way you should' chose a path that lead you to travel and take Rachel with you...look at the places you shared were her Mom, just the way she needed you to be. Only you could love her the way she needed." (12/23/08)

Monday, December 22, 2008

Wounds of life...

from Girlfriends in God

5 am wound of life is too infected for God to heal. No problem is too difficult for God to solve. No sin is too abominable for God to forgive. No sickness is beyond His ability to make well. He is able. I don't know the shattered matters of your life, but God does. He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Hang on to Jesus, friend. Hang on to Jesus. "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy" (Job 8:21). I know from personal experience that in the painful, tear-filled days, God is still good and can still be trusted. I know He is faithful. I've witnessed His strength in my weakness. I've felt His comfort in times of loss. And though we aren't always kept from experiencing shattered matters, we never have to endure them alone.

Take comfort that He knows every issue on your heart and is able to shoulder your burdens. Your challenges do not fall outside the scope of God's ability to intervene. God is mysterious, He is powerful, and He is able! When you lift your eyes from your situation and fix them on your Savior, you will find peace in the pain and strength in the struggle.

This month has really been a struggle, I miss her sooo...:-( I feel as though I have focused on my pain and not been fixing my eyes on HIM. There is peace in the pain and strength in the stuggle when I fix my eyes on HIM. HE knows my struggle, HE knows my pain, really knows my pain. HE gave up HIS one and only Son for me, HE knows my agony. HE allowed HIS own son to die a horrible death for my dirty sinful self. The thought brings me to my knees and reminds me that Christmas is about the greatest GIFT I could ever receive. If not for the GIFT, I would have no hope of ever seeing Rachel or my daddy again.

Thank you PAPA for reminding of your precious truths but most of all for your precious gift! Thank you PAPA for peace in the pain and strength in the struggle! I love you LORD!

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

more firsts...

trimming our tree, she loved to help me... with the exception of the back, the part nobody sees

bought everybody a new ornament and a family ornament (living tree)

hanging the stockings

signing Christmas cards

watching our favorite Christmas movies

having a snow day


picking out stocking stuffers with Chris

wrapping presents

opening cards from friends and family

We bought a living tree this year decorated with her favorite colors and will plant it after Christmas

Even still, it's hard...

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Kari says...
"I am so proud of you for living through the are truly living my you!" (12/17/08)

Heather Calicott says...
"I thought about you when I saw Whitewright was out for a snow day. I lifted you up in prayer for your first snow day with out her. Think and pray for you often. When I come upon your locker at work it took my breath away to see her picture. I wasn't prepaired to see her looking at me. What a beatiful smile. I would love to have a picture of her. One from the age of 8 to 11 when I got to see that sweet face running to hug me. Love you!" (12/17/08)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Andrew is 20!!!

20 bits of trivia about our boy on his birthday… We love you Andrew, Happy Birthday!!!

1. He took his time getting here, even though he was born @ 34 weeks. He was born at 1:07pm on December 11, 1988. He weighed 6 lbs 4 oz. Hard to believe that big ole boy was such a peanut. Denny said he could hang by his toes with those feet, they were big! However, he had a “banana” shaped head from making is mama work so hard to get him here.

2. I didn’t think it was funny when my OB said Chris could go deer hunting, “nothing will happen this weekend.” Chris met Andrew for the first time at 2 hours old.

3. He was a little piranha when he ate, ouch… and would not quit until he was 15 months old.

4. It seemed every time I took him to the pediatrician he always had what we called his 3rd eye, always into something and bumping his noggin.

5. He helped me pick peas out our garden the ONE and only summer we had one. The peas never made it to the house, he “unzipped” them and ate them right there on the spot.

6. He always wanted to sleep with us, never in his baby bed, and graduated to what had been his grandpa’s junior bed at 8 months. He still wanted in our bed, yes until Kindergarten and then all of a sudden he was a “big boy.”

7. He wouldn’t go to bed until we did, he had to fall asleep on the couch.

8. He hated baby food, only the real stuff including a T-bone steak at grandpa’s for his 1st birthday, he LOVED the bone.

9. His favorite meals were “gween rice” with chicken and tater tot casserole.

10. I will still never forget the year he and Chris went to get our chickens. Chris and his friend were wringing necks, one headless chicken chased after him. He would not ANY meat for a long time that had blood in it…

11. Because he couldn’t say “granny” he named his granny “Denny.”

12. When he was 2 he was in wreck with Chris, for weeks he would say “don’t tun mama, pease don’t tun.” He was afraid the car would “cwash again.”

13. He was mad when on the first day of school he couldn’t ride the “kool bus” aka school bus.

14. Drew Thorpe was one of his first buddies at school, we love you Drew!!!

15. He loved hanging with his daddy and pop, all the time. He still loves hanging with his dad, every chance he gets.

16. We’ve always been told how polite and well mannered he is, we are proud of you Bud!!!

17. He perpetualized the name “Unca Boo.”

18. He loved football, he loved winning, he loved tackling anybody he could get his hands on. He love his friends and would do anything for them. He loves little kids and they love him, he is very good with them. He loves his family!!!

19. He LOVED his sister, even though he teased and gave her a hard time, he LOVED his sister and would have protected her with everything he had in him.

20. We are very proud of the man that he has become. He is serving in the US Army. Rachel looked up to him, she is proud too!!! Andrew we love you… Happy Birthday.

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LJ says...
"Happy 20th tomorrow Andrew!!!!!
We have some of our own sweet memories with you, and with Rachel. The summers spent in our kiddie pools, the guys love "the vine" story, fun times with us, ya'll and the Harmon's and watching you grow into a wonderful young man. You have a permanent spot in our hearts.
We all love you--Kenny, Lori, Judson and Colton" (12/10/08)

Aunt Judy & Andrea says...
"We were there when Andrew was born! Georgia called to wake Carol up, and we took her to the hospital. Andrea got to hold Andrew right after he was born, and she's always remembered it. We're proud of you, Andrew, Happy Birthday!" (12/10/08)

Robin says...
"Wishing Andrew a happy ( unbelievable! ) 20th!! What a handsome young man he is. I know you are so proud. By the way, Jonah is JUST NOW sleeping in his own bed in the first grade!! Only because it's a new bunk bed with his brother. But still loves to sleep holding mom's hair!" (12/15/08)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

the Water Song

The Water Song...

December 10, 2008 2 am

The Water Song

Come, oh come! let us away~
Lower, lower every day,
Oh, what joy it is to race
Down to the lowest place.
This is the dearest law we know~
“It is happy to go low.”
Sweetest urge and sweetest will,
“Let us go down lower still.”
Hear the summons night and day
Calling us to come away.
From the heights we leap and flow
To the valleys down below.
Always answering to the call,
To the lowest place of all.
Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,
To go low and rise again.
Excerpt from Hinds’ Feet on High Places

I am feeling like the author of this song…

He is taking me low and lower still… HE is calling me to go there. Yes there is pain but it is sweet. I won’t say it doesn’t hurt, it hurts like I have never hurt before… the journey HE is leading me on is taking me lower and into the deepest dark places of my soul. He is showing that we must go there befo

re I can reach the highest heights of joy again. It is there that HE will empower me to pour out myself as a drink offering. Never before have I felt a despair like this or known it so intimately, not even during the darkest period of my life so many years ago. This despair is taking me to a place with HIM that I am not sure I have ever known and it is sweet. Painful but sweet. And I mean painful!!! HE is also showing me that the deepest or lowest part of the valley could be so beautiful. This journey is full of song. I can hear HIM in so many things… a card at just the right time, an email, the rain, the chatter of squirrels, the wind in the trees, the crunch of leaves, the birds singing, the lights on our tree, the comforting words of friends and family, a hug or a smile from my sweet husband, lunch with a friend, the chatter of women at a Christmas party, a sermon, a loving admonishment form my pastor or a phone call from my sweet boy. The love HE is embracing me with is so sweet. The journey is sweet. The journey from “shattered dreams” to joy may be long and hard but it is sweet. Thank you Lord for this journey!

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LJ says...
"Thanking the Lord that you are following Him through the journey and love Him and are seeing Him!" (12/10/08)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Christmas Tree 2008

It is finished... I missed my "helper" terribly!!!

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Carrie says...
"had to laugh when you were talking about her only decorating the part of the tree that everyone see's. She helped me at work put our tree up last year. She did not put any decorations on the back. When Pam asked her why? she stated no one see's it. Pam stated but the backside is facing the window ? Rachel stated keep the blinds down, or just let the lights shine. No one will notice but the people who work in the office. We never did decorate the backside of the tree last year. I wish she was here this year to help. She could have gotten away with not doing the backside, as we moved offices and the tree is now in the training room in a corner. Pam made a comment today that we needed Rachel and would pay her like she did in the past. She also took it down for us last year. Pam bought her a book for taking it down. Plus I'm sure she got paid." (12/8/08)

Marie says...
"I don't know how you did it. My girlfriend Leighann's first Christmas with out her son Jake, she did not want to put her tree up. But she did, another girlfriend and I helped her. We cried the whole time that we were decorating. I never realized how bitter sweet Christmas could seem. So many emotions, every ornament is a memory. I don't even hang my own ornaments up without remembering where it came from, or who I was with when I got it. Even though Rachel wasn't physically putting the decorations on the tree, I believe she helped you. Even if decorating the front of the tree was her thing, you know she would have never settled for no tree at all! She's still pushing you to do what she would want. That's what these girls do to us, demand crazy things out of us! And we do it, because we love them so so much. Do you still buy yourself an outfit or fix your hair a certain way, and here her voice asking, "Are you going to wear that?" I call Taelor my talking mirror. I can still see Taelor doing Rachel's hair for cheer, smell her special hairspray. (the one we can't use!) It's neat how they can hug your heart, even when you're not with them. I hope she hugs you tight today. She's proud of the tree. Love you, Marie" (12/9/08)

Sunday, December 7, 2008

2:45 am

2:45 am

I am laying in bed all snug in my warm bed, sleeping… I wake up and think surely not? Well surely it IS 2:45… What is up with that Lord?
It is still and very quiet… please, why 2:45?

I want to spend some time with you

Really, does it always have to be 2:45 in the morning?


This time I get right up, no waiting around. I know better. And these are sweet times He and I have together. I do look forward to them even at the earliest times. He will let me nap later.
Today was a hard day for many reasons, but I believe that He is using it. Heather’s death has opened a still very fresh wound… it takes me back to that night with Rachel. I remember the phone call, the girls at work, arriving at Parkland at the same time Chris arrives with Steve and Cathy, being led into the “Family Room” and refusing to go in “there” I know why they want me in there, I don’t want to go. I do… they tell us she will not live much longer… “Can we be with her?” I ask. They lead us in to see her and all I see is the most beautiful baby girl… How could this be happening??????? All I know to do at the moment is hold her sweet hand and whisper in her ear… baby girl I love you, you are the bestest girl in the world. Your daddy and I love you so much… we love you no matter what. The next thoughts that come to my mind are, “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me” and “ for I know the plans I have for you a plan to prosper you and not to harm you.” I kept repeating these over and over with my ear pressed to her chest, so I can hear her heart beat… I want to pick her up and hold her, instead all I can do is hold her hand and keep talking. I don’t want to miss a minute of her precious life… Minutes before they came in to pronounce her dead, I remember whispering in her ear, I love you baby girl, go be with Jesus baby girl, sleep sweet baby girl… over and over again until I knew she was with Jesus.

Lord,that was hard, really hard, going back to that night...

I know… that’s enough for now. Rest in me...

I will go rest now and probably sleep sweet, I know we will have another one of these meetings and though hard, they are always very sweet! Thank you Lord for this journey...

On a bit of a lighter note, I finished the tree today. It was hard but I believe that she was there watching and laughing because #1, I decorated the side “nobody would see” and because it is really full, she would have been ready to finish after about half way. Remember what I said about the back side, I’m not kidding, last year she left the side nobody could see blank!

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LJ says...
"I love you!!" (12/9/08)

Monday, December 1, 2008

*Update* Broken and Poured Out...

*Update* Broken pitcher

Progress... or so I thought, in the beginning

December 1, 2008

Ok, so it is almost 3 am… I went up to bed at 1 am and have been fighting sleep ever since. I dozed for a bit and woke up at 2:30 or so…

Get up...

Are you serious???

Get up...

I mean really Lord, I need to get up in less than 3 hours

Get up…

Seriously? I have errands to run this morning, a nap to take, leave for work and then work a 12 hour shift

Get up…

I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try HE will not let me sleep until I get this on paper. HE wants me to share what HE is teaching me.

So, it’s 3 am and here I sit… getting ready to tell you about my broken pitcher and how it is coming.

I was getting ready to go up to bed around 10:30 or so. I passed the dining room table where the broken pitcher sat.

Put it together…

It’s hard to figure out where to start. I had put the 2 base pieces together right after I shattered it. The bottom seemed like the right place to start. I asked HIM where to start and HE showed me the way. I find myself gluing and then taking it apart because they don’t fit just right, perfect. I am reminded that HE doesn’t want me perfect, HE wants to continue refining me, I’ll NEVER be perfect this side of heaven. If I were put together perfectly, there would be no cracks for HIM to shine through- no shattered dreams. HE doesn’t want me perfect, just obedient and usable.

He reveals many things to me as I work.

HE uses the pain of shattered dreams to help me discover a true desire for HIM and a new intimacy with HIM

The pitcher is difficult to put together, am I really this hard for HIM to work with? If I want to be honest with myself and more importantly honest with HIM, yes

The bigger cracks represent bigger shattered dreams. I am learning that this is where the greater lessons are learned and HE draws me closer. I should welcome more of these times. It is during these times that I truly embrace HIM

More glue is more of HIM

I thought the broken pitcher was going to represent my sinful past and yes, present… it also represents my shattered dreams and how HE is using those times for HIS glory

HE reveals to me, just how little I REALLY know about HIM and HIS healing in my life

Have I mentioned the putting the pitcher is difficult

I won’t give up even though the journey is hard and it hurts, deeply. I know that I am right where HE wants me

It’s not going back together like I thought it would or looking how I think it should. HE is helping me put it together like HE wants to look

I’m making a real mess of this when I get ahead of myself and don’t let HIM guide me

If I’d stuck with starting at the base it would have been easier, does HE really want it to be easy

If I’d stuck with starting at the base, the foundation would have been stronger

This pitcher will never hold water, but then again HE doesn’t want it to. HE wants living water to flow from it, He wants me poured out

I thought we were going to finish, I look at the clock and it is 12:30 am… there’s still mending to do, rest.

I head for bed. As I am getting ready for bed, HE tells me to start over…

What you’ve got to be kidding me start over?

Start over

With what?

Something treasured

Something treasured... what do I have to offer?

A clay pot

Then, I remember a clay pot that was my great-grandmothers. I do treasure it. That is where WE will start over with the broken pitcher or shattered pot. Whew, I feel better already. Now I can go to bed or so I thought. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, I keep picturing the unfinished pitcher… there is a gaping hole in the side and it is not finished. HE gently reminds me that the gaping hole in the side represents the shattered dream that has left a gaping hole in my heart that only HE can fill. I’m not sure when WE will finish the pitcher, but for now I know that the clay pot is what I have to offer HIM.

Yes, it IS progress! Thank you LORD!!!

2 Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

Add Comment

Paige Furst says... (Edit / Delete)
"Wow. What an intimacy with the Father... I guess it can only come from a desperation/ a true dependence on Him for the next step. They lived like this in Biblical times when there was real need, hunger, persecution, pain. We just never have any of that until the pain of life becomes unbearable. He is really becoming your Abba Father as you walk toward Him in your pain.

I love you dear friend." (12/1/08)

johnna says... (Edit / Delete)
"Man, I was all ready to head out the door and now I have to redo my mascara! We are all broken pitchers Georgia and we all have cracks & holes. We strive for perfection here on earth and He doesn't want perfection, He just wants our hearts. It's so simple but so difficult because we have to lay it all down and become vulnerable to Him when we expose those cracks and holes. I love you Georgia and the Lord is using you to help me see Him more clearly." (12/1/08)

Cathy says... (Edit / Delete)
"Amazing. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You have truly been an encouragement to my life and my relationship with our God. It leaves me speechless. Love you." (12/1/08)

Emiley Wright says... (Edit / Delete)
"I am so thankful that i have the privaledge to read the blogs from your site, God is using you to help me see Him in a way i never knew of. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING!!" (12/1/08)

Leon Veazey says... (Edit / Delete)
"WOW! Georgia, this is so awesomely profound! There HAS to be a book that eventually comes from this journey. You life is ALREADY a book that so many of us are reading. God is feeding us and growing us even through your life. Thanks for being a surrendered vessel, a broken pitcher that He is mending! Our lives truly are vessels of imperfection, through which His glory pours out through the holes of our imperfections. What a MIGHTY GOD we serve! Thanks for sharing again. I love and appreciate you as one of God’s riches blessings in my life and ministry. Thanks for being a treasure!

Love in Christ,

" (12/4/08)

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Shattered Dreams...

November 29 and it is 2:45 am...

I just recently picked up a book written by Larry Crabb, it is called "Shattered Dreams." WOW!!! It will, when I really let it sink in change change my life in a way that I could never imagine. It is a difficult book to read. Not hard in itself, but the truths that he writes about are difficult pills to swallow especially if you are living in the middle of a shattered dream. However, it got me to thinking, I have been "Praising Him in the Storm," but have I been thanking HIM for "Shattered Dreams." Have I welcomed this shattered dream as my friend or a blessing from God. If I want to honest and I do; then I have to say, no.

here is a brief synopsis of the book:

"Shattered Dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken, then satisfy our highest dream. Shattered dreams have the power to change out lives for good. Forever.

How do we find hope when bad things happen that God could have prevented? We must discover a hope that thrives when dreams shatter, the same hope that anchors us to God when dreams do come true.

It's harder to discover our true and real desire for God when things go well. Shattered dreams are the truest blessings, they help us discover our true hope. But it can take a long, dark time to discover it.

Shattered dreams are necessary for spiritual growth."

HE is revealing to me that I am not defined by my past, I am defined by my journey with HIM. I am trying to welcome shattered dreams as my friend. The journey will continue... a journey through shattered dreams to the exquisite joy of encountering Christ.

If you want to know Him and have an intimate encounter with Him, welcome shattered dreams.

I'm trying...

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Laura Carwile says... (Edit / Delete)
"I am going to try and find this book tonight. As the holiday season approaches and I spend another Christmas without my oldest son, I need real strength to bless the season for the right reason and not dread it.. Love you Georgia, you keep my spirits lifted in your words along with the words of the LORD." (11/29/08)

johnna says... (Edit / Delete)
"hey georgia, i've heard about this book and want to read it. I love what it says about discovering our true and real desire for God through shattered dreams. I continue to lift you & Chris up to the Lord." (11/30/08)

Monday, November 24, 2008

November 24, 2008

Today is a hard one and I am struggling with a memory...

However, I remember slumber parties and staying up late with a bunch of giggling girls. One year, she talked me into making individual cakes in the Easy Bake oven and letting the girls decorate them. After that we had fashion show... what a mess they made and what beauties they were! All of this in a rented house less than 900 square feet... Yes I was crazy, but then again I was crazy about her too!!!

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Chellie says... (Edit / Delete)
Seeing those pictures reminds me of the giggley little girl we love and remember so fondly. I remember that rent house too. Roger used to call her "Roe-Shell" and she would pipe back, "My name is "Rachel!" with that little southern drawl we all loved.I lift you up today. Love, Chellie " (11/24/08)

LJ says... (Edit / Delete)
"Hey, I think this is the one I was invited to. I know we did make-up and all. You all are always on our minds and hearts and in our prayers.
Much love!" (11/24/08)

carrie says... (Edit / Delete)
"I had to laugh at the pictures. Rachel used to love top play dress up. I won't forget a trip to FW one summer in which she painted my finger nails and toes,purple, pink, and green. She tried to get her granpa let her paint his nails but she did not win on that one. She was able to put his hair in little pony tails. She sat on the back of the chair and played with his hair. He laughed. If I real call he talked about how Georgia loved to play with his hair as a child. " (11/29/08)

Stepping up

Ahah moment as I was walking... In the Stepping Up Bible study that I am doing, we keep talking about "Pilgrimage to the Three Great Feasts." In my notes I talk about this time in our lives as our pilgrimage and how hard it is but I also keep reminding myself of the the glory that will be revealed... It occurred to me on the way to the car that the pilgramage is our journey... On Sept. 9 I wrote "we are only passing through this time in our life, we are on a pilgrimage and it is but flash of time in eternity. Oct 17, I wrote Rachel's death placed our feet on a path~ a long journey. I know that God wishes we could arrive there in the blink of an eye rather than feel the earthly effects on this journey... but in the meantime we will travel on this journey where there are twists, turns, and hills that obscure our view." There is so much more, probably for another time. Thank you fro reminding me... this is a journey. I needed to hear it!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My prayer...

2 Corinthians 4: 13-18

I am committing this to prayer... even when the days are HARD!

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."With that same spirit of faith I also believe and therefore speak, because I know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for my benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more peo

ple may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore I will not lose heart. Though outwardly I feel like I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day. For my light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Verse of the day... wow!

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I'm trying, I'm trying...

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beverly says... (Edit / Delete)
"this is beautiful. the skin on my thumbs has worsen, but i have decided to use it as my reminder that life could be worse and to be thankful. it reminds me to pray for my precious child and husband. it reminds me not to take life for granted. my how we have grown since april 28th.
i thank our God for your faith and the strength he has given you and your family, for thru your sadness he has made you strong and allowed you to be witness to many.
love you and your family from your twin sis!
ps we will be in the fort tues nite. would love to come see your new workplace!" (11/23/08)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm praying for this day...

Psalm 16:11

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

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Melva Kittrell says... (Edit / Delete)
"Hi George,
I've been enjoying your music as I'm working. Hope your day is good and that time is easing that longing that only you and Chris know intimatley. Job 28 seems to have something within it that I cannot explain... but reading this passage during my valley-times seems to strengthen me. May it strengthen you two as well.
Melva" (11/18/08)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Broken and poured out...

One of the blogs that I follow, a young woman shared this experience. It was suggested that you smash a piece of pottery as a form of grief therapy. I'll have to agree I though it was sort dumb until I continued to read her blog and see what it did for her. It took me few months to even think about it... then I bought a pitcher. Then it rode around in my car until this morning... I woke up mad and hurt on Fri morning and God kept telling me, get the pitcher... I got busy or should I say lazy in my self pity... I was mad, I didn't want to do anything but crawl in my bed and hide for a few days... As much as I wanted to I didn't. I kept myself busy, it's just easier that way...

This morning, the Lord said GO get the pitcher. I did, I let it shatter at my feet. Now, the Lord and I are going to piece it together again, one tiny piece at a time. I am going to let Him tell me who I am in Him, I mean who I really am. It's not going to be easy but it is something He wants me to do...

Please pray that I let Him help smash and rebuild me, one small piece at time. And then, let His light shine through ALL the cracks...

Thank you Lord for using the shattered pieces of my life to Your good use.

Here goes...

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Kari says... (Edit / Delete)
"When I read that on her blog a few months ago I thought about doing the same thing...just want to make sure when I break the pitcher it's not in one of my hormonal moments :) Be blessed......" (11/17/08)

LJ says... (Edit / Delete)
"Bless your heart!! I would imagine it was difficult for you to come both last weekend and this weekend to see the guys'. Thank you for doing this, especially this weekend, during a tough time for you. Yes, I will pray that you allow Him to rebuild you. I do believe that you are already beautifully and wonderfully made by Him! Much love and enjoy your trip, she would want that!!" (11/17/08)

Marie says... (Edit / Delete)
"I wish you could see what the rest of us see. His light already does shine bright in you. Even when you are so down, you still go to the computer and share. That takes strength. " (11/17/08)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Satan, you BIG jerk!!!

I've been up since 2am, I'm having a little anger issues with Rachel and myself, please pray this is a big bump in the road! I am still thankful for His grace and mercy and how He has strengthened me/us but I am mad at her right now! WHY!!!!! WHAT were you thinking!!! Why my daddy now, I needed him right now??? Satan you big jerk!!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

One of those bumps in the road...

It was 1999, I had just helped a woman deliver a baby she never thought she would have... He was born at 21 weeks and lived on his own for a little over 13 hours. He grasped my pinky finger and left an indelible mark on my heart. His name was J.W. As I stood at the graveside watching his momma grieve I never dreamed that I would walk in her shoes... The last couple of days have been tough for me, WHY, Rachel, WHY??? Why did my daddy have to die??? I hit one of those bumps in the road... I have been missing her and missing my daddy. Something really exciting happened and I though I'll call my daddy and tell him... Today I was going through all the "stuff" I have in my Bible & I ran across this card from JW's sweet momma. On the front of the card is this poem...

When We ask Why

God's purpose and plan
Is sometimes concealed,
But someday His purpose
Will be revealed.

Someday God's wisdom
Will make it very plain
Why problems were permitted
And how He uses pain.

Things thought illogical~
Disease, tragedy, fear~
Will someday make sense
When God makes all things clear.

We'll see the Lord's purpose
From the Lord's point of view,
And we'll know the answers
In ways we never knew.

Until we're home with God
Some answers must wait.
Until His plan unfolds
We'll live and walk by faith.

Thank you Lord for this word from You!!!

Rather than ask why, I choose to live and walk by faith.

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Aunt Judy says... (Edit / Delete)
"The hardest parts of life are not understanding the "whys", aren't they? How precious it is to have God then, and just have His hands to hold you and pull you through the horrible times, knowing that someday you'll understand. I've said a prayer for your family just now." (11/12/08)

Heather Calicott says... (Edit / Delete)
"As always... God gives you a word that you need. Then you share it with us and in that's what I need. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am always eager to read your blogs when my e-mail alerts me there is something new. The why question is something I stugggle with all the time. I want what is fair in an unfair world. Our God is always fair and right on time. love you guys!" (11/12/08)

Marie says... (Edit / Delete)
"I check on you at least once a week, sometimes more thru this sight. Most days I smile in amazement. Today I cried with you. You are so strong, and a bump every now and then is just plain OK! You are human, like the rest of us. That's why God had to send his own son for us. He knew we couldn't do it without Him. I watch my sister with her little Meaghan, and she loves so much and holds on so tight. I know she still misses Haley, but I think Haley makes her that much better at being a mom to Meg, just like I'm sure you do with Andrew. He's very lucky to have you as a Mom. Thank goodness every day is made new. Smile sweet lady, even your bumbs help other people." (11/13/08)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Unfailing love...

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8 (NIV)

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Robin says... (Edit / Delete)
"I am seeing your heart being shaped by your Psalms of Ascent study. It must be speaking to you profoundly. Of course, the timing in which we take certain studies is no accident. It is just another way to see Him working in our lives." (11/9/08)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Our joy is not defined by our circumstances. It is based on our relationship with Him.

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Teresa says... (Edit / Delete)
"Through your sorrow, pain, & strength God is using you as a vessel to bless me...thank you for continuing to look upward and being in His presence. God's word says in Psalm 16:11 "You will make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of JOY; in your right hand there are pleasures FOREVER." (NASB)
Praise the Lord!!
We love you All..." (10/29/08)

Heather Calicott says... (Edit / Delete)
"I needed those words today! Thank you!!!! " (10/30/08)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

October 28, 2008

This day too has not been what I imagined it would be... 6 months seems so long ago. The Lord has brought me so far. Again, I feel a sense of peace that I cannot explain other than HIM. All that to say, I have been praying about when I should blog a memory, the 28th or the 24th... He has answered my prayer and led me to share on the 24th, the day He blessed us with her. What a gift... so my gift to you will be a precious memory on the 24th. See Oct 24th for 16 bits of trivia and look for more on the 24th of each month. And feel free to add a memory, I still love to hear them!!!

Wow, God is good! As I type this the song "I Can Only Imagine" is playing...

I can only imagine what she and my daddy are doing right now...

I can only PRAISE HIM!!!!

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LJ says... (Edit / Delete)
"Sounds like a great idea!! Remembering all the positive and blessings that she allowed you all to receive, and it all began on the 24th!" (10/28/08)

jka says... (Edit / Delete)
"you are being obedient to Him. He gave you a spirit of Power and Love -continue to draw on it girl" (10/29/08)

Heather Calicott says... (Edit / Delete)
"I love reading your blogs. I am blessed each time it pops up on my e-mail. I find strength in your words. Our son had a major emergency surgery on Thursday that left him in the hospital 5 days and a 4-5 month recovery. On my worst day I snuck off to the play room at Cooks to find a computer. I pulled up my e-mail and there was your blog about Rachels sweet 16. Your words helped me more that you will ever know. Not a day goes by that I dont think of Rachel. She lives on in so many! I am so glad God has given you the strength to take each day as it comes. I am also glad that you will continue to blog. They mean so much to so many! You amaze me Georgia! " (10/30/08)

Friday, October 24, 2008

October 24, 2008

In honor of Rachel’s birthday, here’s 16 bits of fun trivia about our baby girl…

1. She was in a hurry to get into this world, my labor lasted only one hour… she weighed 6lbs 7 ounces and screamed unless she was allowed to eat the first hour she was here.

2. I didn’t think it was funny when the doctor told me I could push, it’s not funny to joke with a woman going without an epidural and thinks things are happening way too fast. Rachel was in a hurry to get into this world, it was the only time she was ever in a hurry.

3. The first thing I remember asking Chris, “is she REALLY a girl?” They placed her in my arms and it was love at first sight. It was also love at first sight for her daddy, her pop, Grandpa and Uncle Boo. She had a way with those guys. Andrew, he was almost 4 and well… it took him a while to come around. After all this screaming ball of pink had invaded “his” territory.

4. She was an easy baby. Once she found silky, her lovey and pacifier she would put herself to bed and sleep for hours… surprised about that one I know.

5. When it started to get dark early in the evening, her little body thought lights out time for bed. She would go to bed when the sun went down and sleep for at LEAST 12 hours.

6. When she got a bit older, it she got tired, she would tell everybody “goodnight, I’m going to bed now.” She was always a good sleeper even in church…

7. She would tell anybody that sneezed in a quiet, sweet little voice, “beff you.” And if nobody blessed her after a sneeze, she would ask, “well is anybody gonna beff me or not?”

8. She first said Andrew’s name as “a-ho.” We worked very hard that weekend learning to day Andrew. You can’t let your kids going to Sunday School saying teafully “I want my a-ho.”

9. When she was little she was terrified of dogs, who knew she would ever let one sleep in the bed with her.

10. She loved to read and learn. She came home from her first day of kindergarten mad she did NOT have any homework! She was smart too, she even helped Andrew & I with some of the math on the ASFAB (military test).

11. Even though she was smart, she could also be kinda dingy… once she ordered a BLT thinking it was a barbeque sandwich. We still go out to eat for “BLT.”

12. She loved her friends, she loved cheering, she loved school, she loved volleyball and most of all track. She was always so slow around the house, we were baffled when they put her on the relay teams and she really could run and FAST!

13. She was an OU fan that wanted to go to UT, try to figure that one out.

14. She loved to travel. She loved junk food and Sushi. She LOVED going to Washington DC last year. I saw a light in her eyes that said “I could so live this life.” She was furious with me when I called her from the top of the Empire State Building, she wanted to be in New York.

15. She lived life hard and fast and enjoyed every minute of it. She experienced a lot in her brief 15 years. She did a lot last year… 3 trips to Missouri, a trip to Virginia, she flew 1st class and loved every minute of it, a trip to DC and a trip to Ft. Benning. She and I spent most of last summer with my daddy. When she I and were in DC and looking at monuments, she looked at the Viet Nam War Memorial and asked “ what’s that wall thingy again.” I knew then she had seen enough monuments.

16. She loved her friends and family intensely and with every ounce of her being. But most of all she loved Jesus.

I am proud to be your momma, you are not only changing me you are changing this world!

We love you baby girl, sleep sweet!!!

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Kari says... (Edit / Delete)
"Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! Georgia, today is a milestone in this journey...embrace it as you have embraced being her Mom. Cry, laugh, celebrate, be quiet, whatever you want to do! Love you" (10/24/08)

LJ says... (Edit / Delete)
"Woke up thinking about and praying for all of you!! I love the blog, what a wonderful start to the day, remembering so many things, holding them dear to your heart.
Much love" (10/24/08)

Emiley Wright says... (Edit / Delete)
"She sure is changing this world, this is such a precious blog! STAY STRONG!!" (10/24/08)

Brooke Tomlin says... (Edit / Delete)
"Georgia, your site is just wonderful! I just read it and all your stories made me feel like I knew Rachel and I wish I could of met her, she reminds me of myself with the whole being involved in everything at school....(that's what them small towns are for!!) and having an older brother and everything. Can you imagine how much of a party there is going on today in heaven?! Wow she is celebrating with some amazing people! Planting a tree is just a wonderful thing for you to do and I"m so happy and proud for you and your family to do that. I've been thinking of you today and always! Love ya!! " (10/24/08)

Stephanie says... (Edit / Delete)
"Chris and Georgia: Of course I have been thinking of you since I woke up this morning. Happy 16th Birthday Rachel!! She is missed so dearly even by the people who only knew her through you. I love you and pray for you every day." (10/24/08)

LJ says... (Edit / Delete)
"I love looking at the picture of her cheering. This is who I remember, it looks like her as a young girl warting Andrew, Judson and Colton with that sweet sweet smile!" (10/28/08)

carrrie says... (Edit / Delete)
"Ok, had a hard time coming up with a memory as the week of her birthday was a difficult time for our family. I did recall a very special day in which it involes not only Rachel but how she first met her Grandpa. However, I remeber the call I got from her Grandpa while i was in College in Kerrville,Texas. It was to tell me that Rachel was beinjg born. He later called to tell me all the details and how Chris's mother made him hold her. He stated that Rachel looked so small and fragil, he was scared to hold her but Chris mother just put Rachel in his arms. He stated that it was love at first sight. I'm sure they are both up there fishing and having a good time." (11/3/08)


October 24, 2008

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I feel a peace that I cannot explain any other way than to say it's from HIM!!!

Today, I feel incredible… it’s Rachel’s’ birthday and she would be 16. I miss her terribly, yes I will cry, my arms will ache to hold her, my heart will hurt, and I long to hear her sweet voice but I still feel incredible. I mentioned yesterday was a turning point and it was. When I couldn’t go back to sleep yesterday morning, I had some really sweet time with Him and some really sweet prayer time. He helped me realize and process a lot of precious things. First, He helped me realize that I am going to be ok. I can see the light at the end of this valley that I have been walking in. There will still be bumps and maybe some bruises but I can see the LIGHT!!! I have dreaded this week and this day like no other. Then He distracted me with the passing of my dad. It was a hard week for many reasons but not really because of my daddy. I am thankful that they are together and he is healthy and whole again. I had told my daddy over and over, Sat night, “go be with Rachel, she is waiting up there for you, tell her we love her and miss her.” God answered our prayer to heal my daddy perfectly and now they are celebrating her 16th together and I take great comfort in that. She was grandpa’s girl and he loved her so much…. He would have done anything for that kid of mine. She was special to him.

As I got in the car yesterday with peace and joy in my heart and even a little bounce in my step I turned on the radio and they were playing this song.

There Will be a Day, Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face, But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

Let those words sink in…


It was confirmation for me that I WILL be OK!!! My soul has been troubled but I haven’t lost heart because he has brought me peace and NOW joy! And I can’t wait the see the beauty that’s in store because it will outweigh this pain and hurt we have experienced these last 6 months. As I listened and sang I opened the sun roof on my daddy’s car, raised my hand and praised HIM! I felt incredible!!!

Don’t get me wrong today will be hard, I miss her, I want to hold her, I want to smell her sweet smell, I want to hear her precious voice, and I want to see that sweet smile but right now I can only imagine the birthday party in heaven and the people she is partying with including my daddy!! It’s better than ANY party Chris and I could have ever thrown her, WOW!!! That is answered prayer and only something HE can do. Thank you Jesus and I praise your Holy name!!!

Happy birthday baby girl, dad, Andrew and I love you! Party Hard and keep on having fun!!!

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LJ says... (Edit / Delete)
"What a blessed celebration for them with all the other's! Yes, I believe too, they are having a wonderful day!
The Wall's love you Rachel!!!!!!" (10/24/08)

Emiley Wright says... (Edit / Delete)
"What a heart-warming blog! HAPPY SWEET SIXTEENTH RACHEL!!" (10/24/08)

Heather Calicott says... (Edit / Delete)
"You never cease to amaze me Georgia. I have worried about this day for some time. Each day getting one day closer. When I read this blog I had to raise my hands and shout...Glory! God your healing grace is so powerful! I find strength in you your strength Georgia. I am so thankful God blessed you in so many ways today. Jeremy Camp always reached my heart. What a blessing to see your words and hear his. This day isnt what I thought it would be at all! Father God, you are so faithful to us! Always ready to give us more that we ever hoped for!" (10/25/08)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Turning Point...


In my 5am "morning meeting" today, I realized this week has been a turning point... I am gonna make it!!! He deserves ALL the praise and glory!!!

In Brian Boaen words, "woohoo!"

More later, it's too much to write now...

Monday, October 20, 2008

You Raise Me Up...

You Raise Me Up...

As I was driving home this morning, I was listening to the radio. This has been a favorite song of mine for quite some time. God knew that I needed to hear it... I was feeling a bit overwhelmed... He reminded me that even though we are weary, He is raising us up to more than we can be... Read the lyrics to this song, let them soak in... since the loss of my daddy, I am really trying to remember the words to this song and let them soak in...

*** a little added note... I submitted this blog as the phone rang... it was my brother telling me they were taking daddy to the hospital...

***another added note*** we went to Fort Worth, my daddy passed away several hours after we arrived, somehow I knew when I got that call...

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary,
When troubles come and my heart burdened be.
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up.. to more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly
But when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
And I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up .. to more than I can be
You raise me up .. to more than I can be

Add Comment

carrie says... (Edit / Delete)
"How appropriate for today." (10/19/08)

Carrie says... (Edit / Delete)
"I love this picture of dad and Rachel. It so was like them to be teasing each other in this manner. " (10/22/08)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

We are speechless...

We miss you baby girl, every minute of every day...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Texas vs. OU

Darn it, Texas beat OU!!! Rachel loved OU and had a yearly bet with my dad; therefore, I was rooting for OU... I know BAD Texan :0 I have rooted for Texas for as long as I can remember, after all my dad is a UT Alum.

Even though she wanted to go to UT I still think she would have been rooting for Texas. Sorry baby girl, they lost!

Sorry baby girl you would have lost your bet. Devon, are you eating peas???

Monday, October 13, 2008

He never takes His eyes off of us...

HE never takes His eyes off of us...

In my Bible study (Stepping Up, Beth Moore) today I am reminded that in Beth's words "God never takes His eyes off of us as we travel the paths of this tumultuous planet. As I peck at this keyboard from my airplane seat, I hear a man close by gently snoring. I'm reminded that God never dozes off, even when for a time when the air is smooth and the way is clear. He doesn't jolt awake when the earth rumbles beneath your feet. He is on perfect attendance to your every step.

We will make it to out destination in one piece. We will indeed 'come to Mount Zion, the the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God' (Heb 12:22, NIV). No harm can befall us that will Lord, Maker of heaven and earth. He owns the highways of both turfs."

Thank you God for these words today... I am comforted even while this month is so difficult. It all still seems so fresh, yet it seems like so long ago...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Morning Meetings...

Here lately I do not sleep… He awakens me at 3 or 4am and no matter how hard I try to sleep, He keeps me up, and my mind will not shut up… so many thoughts and feelings. I knew that this month would be a struggle, as it will be my first birthday without Rachel, she would also turn 16. In my morning meeting with Him today I also realized and remembered that Oct has always been a little difficult. My precious David should be 21 this month.

As I tried to lie down again this morning I was praying… best I can remember it was something like this…

Father God I lift up Stella, Bekah and Dana this morning as they share this new life you have blessed them with. I also lift up Amanda and baby Jack and her family today, another new life. I praise You Father for new life. Please be with my Uncle Sam and my daddy. Heal them.

I also lift up Chris, Andrew and I up to You this morning. This month is so hard. Every day is one day closer to her birthday… that is hard to swallow and still so unbelievable that she is not here. Selfishly I want her back, even if only for a moment… one last hug, kiss, a sweet smile or just to hear her day “I love you momma, muah.” Oh that sweet voice. Precious. Then He reminds me that He understands our pain and grief. He chose to give up His Son for us that we may have eternal life despite our sin. Father God I am sorry where I fail you so many times. I miss her, I want her back… He chose to give up Your Son. His only Son, His choice. And all for us. I am also reminded that “Everything is Yours God and We WILL praise you in this storm.”

In the last few days I have gone back and read my journal from almost 10 years ago. I am in awe of His hand in our marriage. Chris and I have struggled for more of our marriage than not. I would have to say that the first 10 years of our marriage we didn’t even really like each other. It is a true miracle that we have made it and we give the GLORY to Him. We have struggled with my abortions, credit card debt not just once but twice, and now Rachel’s death. On the way home from the hospital I remember saying to Chris that couples that lose children statistically do not stay together. We made a commitment that would not happen to us. Rachel’s death has brought us closer together. It has kept our focus on Him. At the time I was not even thinking about abortion and what a miracle it already was that we were still together. Satan has so obviously tried to take our marriage and our children. WE WILL NOT LET him succeed. I also realize the more committed we are to that the harder he will try. I pray a hedge of protection around us. I have come to realize that that her death is not about us or our grief; it is ALL about Him and His glory.

As I was walking Thurs morning in the park that I grew up in I was reminded of all the times that I played there, ran there, bicycled there, spent many an hour in the “fort” that was ours (Devon’s & mine), read many a book under a tree somewhere, went craw dad fishing and walked the trails. As I walked I was listening to 50 Days in Heaven read by randy Alcorn. The Lord reminded me of many things… “If we can learn to fix our eyes on Jesus, to see through the fog (our grief) and picture our eternal home in our mind’s eye, it will comfort and energize us, giving us a clear look at the finish line. Paul when faced with hardship, beatings said ‘One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward is Christ Jesus.’ (Philippians 3:13-14) What gave Paul and continues to give us strength? A clear view of heaven.

Rachel used to tell me she was going to be an attorney, a pro-life attorney—she was going to make a difference in this world~~ Baby girl you are making a difference in this world, even in our grief and sadness you make us proud. We love you!!!

Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is sort of that way lately...

Friday, October 10, 2008

this ia a long one: my favorite hymns, we are clinging to them...

this ia a long one: my favorite hymns, we are clinging to them...

Have thine own way lord...

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!

Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.

Great is thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

It Is Well

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trumpet shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

a precious gift and something I will cherish forever...

It was the last day of school and I had just picked Rachel from school… she had just finished 2nd grade and she was talking a mile a minute (are you shocked?) but I noticed that she had something in her mouth. I asked her what it was and she said with a bit of a lisp “a diamond.” Oh baby it’s probably fake. “Nope, it’s REAL momma” she replied. “OK baby girl” was my reply thinking it was not worth the argument. She showed it to Chris when he came home from work and he AGREED with her. I was still not convinced. I took it to a jeweler later that week, it was REAL. Not only that but he said it was almost a ½ carat and very good quality. She was so excited but how many 2nd graders do you see running aroung wearing a ½ carat diamond. It took some convincing but we talked her into putting it up with the agreement that we would have it made it something for her when she was old enough. However, I did try to convince her to let me put it in a setting and wear as a necklace. She would not hear of it. So I put it up. Fast forward to this year… we were going to give it to her for her 16th birthday in a drop necklace. Here it is now… there is nothing else I can say without tearing up, its’ beautiful, just as she was… today has been a hard one for both of us. It’s been 5 months.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

September 28...

September 28

When she was little she had a lot of funny things she would say... When she was learning to talk, one day she kept asking where is my a-ho? It took me a while to figure out she was trying to say Andrew. We worked on saying Andrew the rest of the day... thank goodness she learned that one quick.

My mom always taught me it was not ladyliketo dig in another lady's purse. I taught Rachel the same thing. One day we were in the the grocery store line and she started digging in my purse. I told her that it's not nice to dig in another lady's purse. She looked at me and said, "you not a wady you my momma." I thought the lady in line behind us was going to lose her dentures she was laughing so hard. My other favorite was when she would say "beff you! aka bless you." And if she sneezed she would say in a sassy sort of way, "wull, is anybody bless me?" One more favorite: She got in the car one day after school and said "momma, somebody said a cuss word... Judson and Colton Wall were with me and got very big eyed, thinking uh oh Miss Georgia is gonna get mad... She would not tell me what it was and would only say it was the "s" "h" word, when I finally got it out of her, it was "shut up." Andrew, Judson and Colton all three rolled their eyes as if to say, whatever...

I can still hear that sweet voice echoing in my ears... I miss her so...

the River...

The River...

Most of you know I went back to Heart O' the Hills for my camp reunion last weekend. While a difficult trip to make it was a good one. There was only a small group that were able to go, thanks to Ike but it was a sweet time of swimming in the river, taking siestas, milk line, ice cream at Jane's house, watching old camp film, sharing memories, singing songs and yes crying... As I sat on tribe hill I longed for Rachel to be there with me or at least have known that she got to experience the Heart as I had. I was reminded by a dear friend on the hill that she was there with us. She was sitting on her first Shawnee Hill and taking it all in just as I had as a little girl and now grown up. As I sat in church school overlooking the beautiful
last Sunday He gently reminded of my past, my present and my future as I watched the river quietly flow. Quietly flow, yet with life, fish swimming, turtles shyly peeking around and even a long skinny turtle (code for snake in the river) decided to swim by. HE quietly reminded me of my past as a camper and then counselor, my present as a woman of the King, a wife and mother... and yes of two, even if one of my children happens to live in heaven, and my future... not sure what the future holds for us. But I do know that if we keep relying on HIM it is going to be awesome. And right now we are really not thinking of the future we are still putting one foot in front of the other and following His lead.

It was 1975 the first year I attended there. I loved it. It was a place where I could be me, I could be a kid, a kid with no responsibilities other than myself and having fun and boy did I have fun. I went there until 1982 when I could no longer be a camper. And then worked two summers until I could be a counselor and then one summer as a counselor. My days there are a big part of who I am. I learned about truthfulness, goodness, purity, trust, faith, honesty, unselfishness and courage. I made lasting friendships. And I know that it is a place that brings me such peace and comfort and I am always welcome there. The feeling of diving in that water was incredible and you know how I feel about large bodies of water... that particular part of the river is wonderful... cool, crisp and refreshing... A part of me will always long for camp but I must face what is is my present and my future. As we were sharing favorite scriptures in church school a dear friend mentioned her favorite... it is the same one I have been hanging on to since I saw Rachel laying there on the stretcher in ER that night. I kept saying it over and over to her that night as Jesus came to take her home. I am clinging to it; although sometimes by a thread... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11We do have hope and we do have a future...

Remember the times we’ve had here,
Remember when you’re away,
Remember the friends you’ve made here,
And don’t forget to come back some day,
Remember the blazing campfires,
The sparkling waters too,
For you belong to Heart O’ the Hills,
And Heart O’ the Hills belongs to you,