Here lately I do not sleep… He awakens me at 3 or 4am and no matter how hard I try to sleep, He keeps me up, and my mind will not shut up… so many thoughts and feelings. I knew that this month would be a struggle, as it will be my first birthday without Rachel, she would also turn 16. In my morning meeting with Him today I also realized and remembered that Oct has always been a little difficult. My precious David should be 21 this month.
As I tried to lie down again this morning I was praying… best I can remember it was something like this…
Father God I lift up Stella, Bekah and Dana this morning as they share this new life you have blessed them with. I also lift up Amanda and baby Jack and her family today, another new life. I praise You Father for new life. Please be with my Uncle Sam and my daddy. Heal them.
I also lift up Chris, Andrew and I up to You this morning. This month is so hard. Every day is one day closer to her birthday… that is hard to swallow and still so unbelievable that she is not here. Selfishly I want her back, even if only for a moment… one last hug, kiss, a sweet smile or just to hear her day “I love you momma, muah.” Oh that sweet voice. Precious. Then He reminds me that He understands our pain and grief. He chose to give up His Son for us that we may have eternal life despite our sin. Father God I am sorry where I fail you so many times. I miss her, I want her back… He chose to give up Your Son. His only Son, His choice. And all for us. I am also reminded that “Everything is Yours God and We WILL praise you in this storm.”
In the last few days I have gone back and read my journal from almost 10 years ago. I am in awe of His hand in our marriage. Chris and I have struggled for more of our marriage than not. I would have to say that the first 10 years of our marriage we didn’t even really like each other. It is a true miracle that we have made it and we give the GLORY to Him. We have struggled with my abortions, credit card debt not just once but twice, and now Rachel’s death. On the way home from the hospital I remember saying to Chris that couples that lose children statistically do not stay together. We made a commitment that would not happen to us. Rachel’s death has brought us closer together. It has kept our focus on Him. At the time I was not even thinking about abortion and what a miracle it already was that we were still together. Satan has so obviously tried to take our marriage and our children. WE WILL NOT LET him succeed. I also realize the more committed we are to that the harder he will try. I pray a hedge of protection around us. I have come to realize that that her death is not about us or our grief; it is ALL about Him and His glory.
As I was walking Thurs morning in the park that I grew up in I was reminded of all the times that I played there, ran there, bicycled there, spent many an hour in the “fort” that was ours (Devon’s & mine), read many a book under a tree somewhere, went craw dad fishing and walked the trails. As I walked I was listening to 50 Days in Heaven read by randy Alcorn. The Lord reminded me of many things… “If we can learn to fix our eyes on Jesus, to see through the fog (our grief) and picture our eternal home in our mind’s eye, it will comfort and energize us, giving us a clear look at the finish line. Paul when faced with hardship, beatings said ‘One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward is Christ Jesus.’ (Philippians 3:13-14) What gave Paul and continues to give us strength? A clear view of heaven.
Rachel used to tell me she was going to be an attorney, a pro-life attorney—she was going to make a difference in this world~~ Baby girl you are making a difference in this world, even in our grief and sadness you make us proud. We love you!!!
Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is sort of that way lately...