We had a great night at work and I sat down so many times to journal and could not bring myself to do it. I guess it all started in Sunday School (Bearden's class), then confirmed in church, then in my drive to work. I may be all over the place, sorry...
my thoughts and what He has revealed to me...
Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful~ I don't
How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry~ I want to be excited when He comes
the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy~ I don't like it
I have felt idle~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think we both agreed that it was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. Since then, my new "project" is going to be going through photo albums and pictures and journaling memories of her. I am going to do the same with Andrew... I'm still praying and waiting on Him to tell me what to do with the accounts of what happened that night, it will probably be to burn them, just waiting on Him...
I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment~ yet I can't
Before Rachel's death I had become complacent~ I don't want to be like that ever again
how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her~ I can't
my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him~ I don't like it
I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
Now I am probably a little angry with myself too~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her, not self-destructibly I promise
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Scholarship Presentation
First I would like to start by saying to the Class of 2011
Chris, Andrew and I would like to express our deepest gratitude to each and every one of you and the families you represent for your love and support the last three years. It has not gone unnoticed nor will ever be forgotten. I see glimpses of our sweet Rachel in your smiles, hugs, and even sometimes just a simple wave. It is our prayer that God may richly bless and continually guide you as you begin this new journey in your lives.
I remember it like it was yesterday, my daddy called to check on us after Rachel died. He asked us if we would award two graduates with a scholarship in Rachel’s memory, one for academics and one for sports. We of course said yes… so at the suggestion of my daddy, Harold Griffith we present these scholarships in memory of our sweet Rachel. Both of their lives continue on, even though they are not physically present with us and they continue to touch lives through the scholarships presented in Rachel’s name.
So tonight we honor two graduates that excel in academics and sports. Rachel loved school and she loved making good grades. I can remember the first “bad” grade she ever received, it was a “B” and she was devastated. The student we award tonight for academics also excels academically and one that Rachel competed with. When this student got a better grade than Rachel, she seemed even more determined to do better than she already did. This student also wants to be a nurse which of course is near and dear to my heart. I think Rachel would be proud as well, as she told us on more than one occasion she wanted to be a nurse, a doctor and an attorney. She set high expectations for herself as does this student.
Rachel didn’t really decide that she loved sports until 6th grade and after that nothing could take away her drive to be the best at volleyball and track. Volleyball was not surprising to us, but track? We thought the coaches were crazy when Rachel came home and told us she would be running relays, and not just one but all three! The Rachel we knew at home she was slow as a turtle. As Chris and I watched her run for the first time, we discovered that the girl could run and she was FAST! The student we honor tonight has a love for sports and has ever since he was a little boy. This student is also a hard worker and excels at most any athletic activity he puts his mind to. He is also an active and vital member of his church and community.
In honor of the Class of 2011 we have chosen to award a third scholarship. This student is involved in various extracurricular activities and volunteer work. She is also an active and vital member of her church. She balances her church activities, school, extra-curricular activities, job, friend and family time well. I have gotten to know her better this year and grown to love her, as I do many of you, as my own. Each and every one of you are special to us, you are each a part of Rachel and make us proud.
With all that being said it is our honor and privilege to award
The Rachel Fulenwider Academic scholarship in the amount of $500 to Taelor Duckworth
The Rachel Fulenwider Athletic scholarship in the amount of $500 to Bryant Threadgill
Class of 2011 scholarship to in the amount of $1000 to Taelor Williams
Chris, Andrew and I would like to express our deepest gratitude to each and every one of you and the families you represent for your love and support the last three years. It has not gone unnoticed nor will ever be forgotten. I see glimpses of our sweet Rachel in your smiles, hugs, and even sometimes just a simple wave. It is our prayer that God may richly bless and continually guide you as you begin this new journey in your lives.
I remember it like it was yesterday, my daddy called to check on us after Rachel died. He asked us if we would award two graduates with a scholarship in Rachel’s memory, one for academics and one for sports. We of course said yes… so at the suggestion of my daddy, Harold Griffith we present these scholarships in memory of our sweet Rachel. Both of their lives continue on, even though they are not physically present with us and they continue to touch lives through the scholarships presented in Rachel’s name.
So tonight we honor two graduates that excel in academics and sports. Rachel loved school and she loved making good grades. I can remember the first “bad” grade she ever received, it was a “B” and she was devastated. The student we award tonight for academics also excels academically and one that Rachel competed with. When this student got a better grade than Rachel, she seemed even more determined to do better than she already did. This student also wants to be a nurse which of course is near and dear to my heart. I think Rachel would be proud as well, as she told us on more than one occasion she wanted to be a nurse, a doctor and an attorney. She set high expectations for herself as does this student.
Rachel didn’t really decide that she loved sports until 6th grade and after that nothing could take away her drive to be the best at volleyball and track. Volleyball was not surprising to us, but track? We thought the coaches were crazy when Rachel came home and told us she would be running relays, and not just one but all three! The Rachel we knew at home she was slow as a turtle. As Chris and I watched her run for the first time, we discovered that the girl could run and she was FAST! The student we honor tonight has a love for sports and has ever since he was a little boy. This student is also a hard worker and excels at most any athletic activity he puts his mind to. He is also an active and vital member of his church and community.
In honor of the Class of 2011 we have chosen to award a third scholarship. This student is involved in various extracurricular activities and volunteer work. She is also an active and vital member of her church. She balances her church activities, school, extra-curricular activities, job, friend and family time well. I have gotten to know her better this year and grown to love her, as I do many of you, as my own. Each and every one of you are special to us, you are each a part of Rachel and make us proud.
With all that being said it is our honor and privilege to award
The Rachel Fulenwider Academic scholarship in the amount of $500 to Taelor Duckworth
The Rachel Fulenwider Athletic scholarship in the amount of $500 to Bryant Threadgill
Class of 2011 scholarship to in the amount of $1000 to Taelor Williams
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A turning point and the She Speaks Conference...
Bear with me, there is some background that I need to set up...
After delivering our first baby, Andrew, I knew that God had called me to go back to school and become a labor and delivery nurse. I went back to school in 1989, graduated in 1992 and I have worked as a labor and delivery nurse since Rachel was 6 months old. It is a ministry... And I thank Him for the privilege.
However, since Rachel died there have been so many things I realized that I have lost... one of "those" things is experiencing the miracle of birth with my daughter. It is so hard to see my patients with their families, especially their mom's. It is such a special experience. I can work OB triage all night long but to labor and deliver a young woman having her first baby is so hard... So, OB triage is it for me right now and I am okay with that.
A dear friend of mine delivered her "surprise" baby girl on March 4, 2011. She and her husband were one of so many that supported us and got us through that night... getting Chris to the hospital as our sweet girl was Care Flighted to Dallas, saying "goodbye" to our Rachel as if she were their own, keeping our Andrew posted, in the loop, he was stationed at Fort Bragg, NC at the time, comforting him, comforting us, going to the funeral home, calling the Red Cross to begin the process of getting our boy home, making and fielding jillions of phone calls and the list goes on...
Long story short... I took her to the hospital, stayed the night and was with her and her sweet husband when they welcomed sweet Delaney into this world. I saw their boys faces light up as they watched their daddy bathe their baby sister for the first time. The memories came flooding back... Rachel's birth and her death... getting to experience the labor and birth of Delaney Grace Harris has really been a turning point for me (at the moment anyway.) It was and still is a precious moment. A moment I will cherish forever. Seeing Delaney, breathing her in, holding her and smelling her sweet baby breath, her breathe smelled of heaven, a moment that was a bit overwhelming and bittersweet but so precious. It was one of those moments that that I will ponder in my heart until I see my precious Jesus and then my sweet Rachel. The experience brings tears to my eyes all over again. I left the hospital that morning breathless and sobbing and spent a lot of the weekend doing the same. Not just tears of grief and missing Rachel but thankful tears for the experience with Rachel, her birth and her death and the journey that I know will continue even with its ups and downs. On my way home, I stopped by Kroger bought her some flowers and took them to the cemetery, some beautiful pink roses and a wildflower mix in vibrant hot pink, yellow, purple and green, her favorite colors! She would love them and she would love Delaney too! I am still amazed by the experience of Delaney's birth. And so thankful!!!
I was scheduled to work labor on Sunday night and for the first time I did not dread it. I got put on call and then got called in late Sunday evening. Of course my labor patient ended being a stat C-section but nevertheless it was all okay for the patient, her baby and for me emotionally. And for that I am thankful too! Thank you Lord for a turning point...
In one of my emails or twitter, the Lord led me to this... the She Speaks Scholarship Contest 2011.
Here is a quote from their website... "The She Speaks Conference is where you will receive the tools and the confidence to answer God’s call on your life. You will learn how to make the most of your messages, the nuts and bolts of speaking, writing, leading and influencing, and have the opportunity to meet with some of today’s top Christian publishers. She Speaks is not just another conference … it is a true experience with God and a revival in your calling!" I have been praying for God to open a door and I believe He has. I have known and felt for quite some time that the Lord was going to use this grief experience/journey in an amazing way. I have also felt that He was calling me to speak or write and I feel in my spirit like this is a door that He is opening.
As a mother, I have always thought that there is no way that I would ever be able to survive the death of one of my children. But you know what... I have and I am stronger for it. Do I still have hard days and do I feel weak? Yes! But His word tells me that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
If I were to curl up in a corner and shrivel away or become bitter and angry, how would that honor her memory? It wouldn't and Satan would win. More importantly how would that honor HIM? By sharing this journey with Him, our baby girl will live on forever in the hearts and lives of many, many that never even knew her. Is it because of anything that I did or said? Absolutely not! It is Him, all Him. This experience is not and never has been about Rachel, my family or me it is all about Him! His word also says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
I am still praying about what I am supposed to do... write or speak maybe both... the thought of both scares me but with Him I know I can do anything!
*update*
A few weekends ago, the Lord told me that He wants me to do what I fear the most... and that is speaking, yes She Speaks... am I comfortable with that, no! Am I scared, nervous etc.? Yes! But am I willing and open? Absolutely yes!
Feeling a nudge, the last year or so and an exciting opportunity
an open door and an answer to prayer...
Monday, March 7, 2011
a Facebook post from my pastor...
I had to read this one a couple of times to let it soak in, really soak in...
"There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person throu...gh it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain." ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person throu...gh it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain." ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Bleu Cheese Cranberry Cheese Ball
Great for the holidays...
Ingredients:
16 oz cream cheese, Neufchatel or "light" cream cheese
softened
1 cup crumbled blue cheese
1 cup chopped dried cranberries
1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
Directions:
Blend everything except nuts together well. Form into one large cheese ball or two medium size cheese balls. Roll in chopped nuts to cover. Wrap in plastic wrap and store overnight in the fridge. Allow to sit out for at least one before serving. Serve with wheat crackers of any sort.
Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: None
Category: Appetizers Servings: 12
Ingredients:
16 oz cream cheese, Neufchatel or "light" cream cheese
softened
1 cup crumbled blue cheese
1 cup chopped dried cranberries
1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
Directions:
Blend everything except nuts together well. Form into one large cheese ball or two medium size cheese balls. Roll in chopped nuts to cover. Wrap in plastic wrap and store overnight in the fridge. Allow to sit out for at least one before serving. Serve with wheat crackers of any sort.
Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: None
Category: Appetizers Servings: 12
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
the Lord's goals for me this year...
the Lord's goals for me this year... pray with me as I walk with Him toward these goals...
You cover the year with Your good blessings, and You leave abundance in Your wake. ~ Psalm 65:11
Goal #1, read the Bible in a Year: I am reading the Chronological Bible
Goal #2, Memorize scripture,I joined the Siesta Scripture Memory Team 2011, there are 9000+ women committed to memorizing scripture. Join me, it's not too late... http://blog.lproof.org/
Goal # 3, pray with me on this one, it is rather lofty and I am really excited about it, just not ready to share...
*just added* March 10, 2011
Goal #4, another lofty one, but I believe He has opened a door of opportunity to do something He has called me to do... I'll be excited to share more later very soon!
You cover the year with Your good blessings, and You leave abundance in Your wake. ~ Psalm 65:11
Goal #1, read the Bible in a Year: I am reading the Chronological Bible
Goal #2, Memorize scripture,I joined the Siesta Scripture Memory Team 2011, there are 9000+ women committed to memorizing scripture. Join me, it's not too late... http://blog.lproof.org/
Goal # 3, pray with me on this one, it is rather lofty and I am really excited about it, just not ready to share...
*just added* March 10, 2011
Goal #4, another lofty one, but I believe He has opened a door of opportunity to do something He has called me to do... I'll be excited to share more later very soon!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Stress free...
After such a stressful week, HE has blessed me with the most enjoyable weekend! I guess the blessing started on Thurs with visits by my sweet friends Cheryl and Lori on Fri. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning visiting my oldest and dearest friend/twin, we laughed and we cried, sharing some great memories . I spent Sat. cooking, baking and visiting with another precious and sweet friend AND celebrated my love's birthday. Today, was spent in my jammies, enjoying the beauty of the snow, reading and memorizing scripture ,eating stew, eating snow ice cream and peeking outside for a few pics... God blessed me indeed! Thank you LORD for the blessing!!! However, Fri. cannot get here soon enough, I miss my "Baylor" girls... :~(
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