Sunday, February 1, 2009


We had a great night at work and I sat down so many times to journal and could not bring myself to do it. I guess it all started in Sunday School (Bearden's class), then confirmed in church, then in my drive to work. I may be all over the place, sorry...

my thoughts and what He has revealed to me...
Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful~ I don't
How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry~ I want to be excited when He comes
the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy~ I don't like it
I have felt idle~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think we both agreed that it was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. Since then, my new "project" is going to be going through photo albums and pictures and journaling memories of her. I am going to do the same with Andrew... I'm still praying and waiting on Him to tell me what to do with the accounts of what happened that night, it will probably be to burn them, just waiting on Him...
I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment~ yet I can't
Before Rachel's death I had become complacent~ I don't want to be like that ever again
how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her~ I can't
my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him~ I don't like it
I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
Now I am probably a little angry with myself too~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her, not self-destructibly I promise

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