Monday, March 1, 2010
All I can say is ugh.... oh how I wish the weekend had all been like Fri. night. I had so much fun with Jennifer. I surprised her and we went to see Phantom of the Opera. Her excitement truly blessed me!
Then Saturday happened... I think Sat was the culmination of the last few weeks and I knew it was coming but dang!!!! It seems like this is the roughest it has been... I miss that ole fart and I knew he kept Chris company... but it turned into so much more than Griff, I am truly sad about him but the emotion of his death has triggered so much more......... ANGER! I had been cooking and baking all day. Doesn't sound very relaxing and restful but for me it is. When I finished my baking I really just threw me a big 'ole fit... at the house and then mainly at the cemetery. I cried, no more like I sobbed, screamed, hollered, shook my fists, maybe even kicked me some dirt, sobbed some more... I am so stinking tired of all this! How much more? Then I regret asking how much more because He can show me how much more.... all of it angers me. Angers me in a way I have not felt in a long time, I don't like it. I'm just stinking MAD! Not sure who I am mad at, just mad... I want a do over, I want them, all back, Rachel, my daddy, Heather, JoJo, and yes even Griff (our dog). I miss that grumpy ole fart and it sure is quiet around here, the girls (the other 3 dogs) are lost with no one to boss them around and I don't even have to fight for my spot in the bed...
I want my baby girl back... I miss her... I want her in my life, in my arms, I need to hear her call me "momma" in that sweet little voice of hers, I need all those things, I know the value of the journey but I am tired and right this moment I just want her back! I'm tired of the roller coaster of emotions... I'm just plain tired and I am not sure it is a tired that sleep will fix... In fact probably sleep won't fix it. I slept most of yesterday. Sat night I started getting the chills and that overall "I think I am coming down wth somethig feeling." I still felt that way Sun morning and could not get rid of the chills so I wet back to bed and slept until 2:30 in the afteroon and really never left the couch all day. It is now almost 4am and I am up and know that I should be asleep but my brain will NOT shut up. Too may thoughts running through my head like a broken record... that Sunday before I left for work planning our trip to Austin, snuggling with her in bed, that Mon afternoon trying to call her and congratulate her about getting her permit, talking to Chris on the way to work, the phone call, the girls at work jumpig to action all the while so confused and hurting as mothers themselves, telling my daddy, the drive, being taken to "that" room where they told us her condition, rushing in to see her, talking to her, holding her hand, hearing her heart still beating, saying to myself over and over "for I know the plans I have for you and I can do all things through Christ who stregthens me," saying "go be with Jesus" over and over to her, saying goodbye to her one more time, kissing each of her painted and chipped toes and fingers, clinging to Chris like never before and all those people that came to love on us, seeing those heartbroken and confused kids and friends, the drive to my dad's, the drive home, seeing her room, the smell, knowing how loved we were then and still are, the funeral home, planning her funeral, picking out that dang casket, feeling my knees almost buckle right beneath me and thinking I was gonna throw up that very moment, that whole week seems to be such a blur and yet so clear. A broken record of memories I wish had ever happened. But the value of the journey... priceless I know. I keep reminding myself of that. And then the record starts all over... I wanna get past this... I want to rest, I don't want to be angry anymore.