Monday, November 23, 2009

Baby Steps

Chris seems better this evening, he even had supper started when I got home. Woohoo! Maybe this morning is a start... I think that when he asked me this morning about "forgiveness," in all honesty he was afraid my answer would be him. I have NEVER blamed him. I hope deep down he knows that. I just wish I knew how to make him believe that and truly I realize that I can't... only HE can. Last night was a rough one for me but ended up so sweet... I had stayed up late working on a crosstitch project that I want to finish for a Christmas present and then went to bed to read (surprise, surprise). The part that got to me was about a mother and daughter having a "spa" weekend, it really got to me. It's those time I want to remember. The mani/pedi's, coming to see me in Va. and Mo., going to DC, going to the movies, slumber parties, her laugh, her smiles and all that stuff. I remember the Sunday before Rachel died, we skipped church and I went into her bedroom just to watch her sleep. I then remember crawling into bed with her and snuggling up just for a bit. Such a sweet memory. I finally put the book down and "tried" to sleep. He kept "nudging" me to get up, I got up, went downstairs, tearfully and timidly knowing He wanted me to tackle what I had dreaded and could not and did not want to look at. I opened her door, I had to ask Him to take away the vision in my head of her standing in front of that mirror one last time... He did, I started with the photo of her with Laura Bush with many tears. I moved around her room just taking them all in. Studying each one as if for the first time. The bulleting boards she made, precious memories... many tears and even some silent giggles. I noticed the one of her at the regional track meet - it may be one of the last photos of her, I am not sure. If not the last certainly one of a few. Precious! After that I went to the computer and pulled up all the facebook photos and began putting captions and tagging some people. It was hard, but fun and such a sweet time spent with Him. He made it easy. There are still more to tag and caption but baby steps, right? So healing and comforting. And no more feeling guilt about not being able to look at them... After I finished, I went back upstairs thankful for the precious time spent with Him and with her. I went to bed and fell fast asleep and slept well. Amen! Hallelujah!!!

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