I have been up, down and all over the place this week. I knew that the Lord was
leading me to tackle something difficult and be done with a certain task one last time. I had so many questions and visions of what happened that night a year ago. I needed answers. In January, with help from our pastor, Leon and others I went back to “that night.” Those accounts answered many of my questions and confirmed others. I needed it. It hurt, it was hard, it and made me angry. Angry at her, at Him and myself. It made me tackle feelings and emotions that needed addressing. It was very healing and a part of the journey that I needed. I put those accounts in a notebook and let them be for awhile. I knew back then that He would ask me go back there one more time and then He would ask me to burn them at some point. HE kept taking me back to this “and provide for those who grieve in Zion ~ to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” ~ Isaiah 61:3
I knew when I got up this morning that today would be the day and had prayed and prayed and prayed over it. I sat down to go over them and almost immediately felt Him tell me
Go to the cemetery
Yes, the cemetery
I gathered up my things and went to the cemetery. I sat down by her headstone and began to read them aloud.
All of them. I wept at times, cried out to Him at times, I even smiled and chuckled a few times. Remembering those chipped “hot pink” fingernails made me laugh. I sat there for a bit and just enjoyed the breeze and time spent with Him. I smiled at the thought of Rachel meeting those family members that had gone before and her greeting her Papa Fred and of course my daddy. Those thoughts really warmed my heart. I have been at peace with Rachel since my dream last week but this time spent at the cemetery really confirmed that peace.
I came home not knowing when HE would prompt me to burn them. Honestly I thought it would be on April 28th. I came inside and wrote a few thoughts down and thought I was done for the day…
Okay, where? It’s awfully windy. The only place I could think of without starting a neighborhood fire was the grill and yes I was worried about that. Again, I quickly gathered up my things, grabbed some matches and headed outside. I cleaned out the grill, layed the papers down and lit them. As I watched them burn, I thanked Him for the last year.
I thanked Him for the journey with Him. It has been sweet. It has been a gift. I thanked Him for the gift of her life and yes the gift of her death. And yes, that is hard to write but I truly mean it. God is good. All the time!
And now I have these beautiful ashes… a wondrous reminder of how He has worked this past year.
"Thank you for sharing your journey. You are truley a role model and a wonderful big sister. Love Carrie" (4/28/09)
Aunt Judy says...
"I have cried and mourned with you, Chris and Andrew through this year. It's a blessed assurance that our loved ones are all together in Heaven. " (4/28/09)
"I am crying now as I read this. You have truly been on a journey this past year and God has revealed so much of Himself to you. I think you should consider writing a book about the year after losing a child. You have such a way of capturing what you are feeling with words. Love you so much!" (4/28/09)