Bear with me, there is some background that I need to set up...
After delivering our first baby, Andrew, I knew that God had called me to go back to school and become a labor and delivery nurse. I went back to school in 1989, graduated in 1992 and I have worked as a labor and delivery nurse since Rachel was 6 months old. It is a ministry... And I thank Him for the privilege.
However, since Rachel died there have been so many things I realized that I have lost... one of "those" things is experiencing the miracle of birth with my daughter. It is so hard to see my patients with their families, especially their mom's. It is such a special experience. I can work OB triage all night long but to labor and deliver a young woman having her first baby is so hard... So, OB triage is it for me right now and I am okay with that.
A dear friend of mine delivered her "surprise" baby girl on March 4, 2011. She and her husband were one of so many that supported us and got us through that night... getting Chris to the hospital as our sweet girl was Care Flighted to Dallas, saying "goodbye" to our Rachel as if she were their own, keeping our Andrew posted, in the loop, he was stationed at Fort Bragg, NC at the time, comforting him, comforting us, going to the funeral home, calling the Red Cross to begin the process of getting our boy home, making and fielding jillions of phone calls and the list goes on...
Long story short... I took her to the hospital, stayed the night and was with her and her sweet husband when they welcomed sweet Delaney into this world. I saw their boys faces light up as they watched their daddy bathe their baby sister for the first time. The memories came flooding back... Rachel's birth and her death... getting to experience the labor and birth of Delaney Grace Harris has really been a turning point for me (at the moment anyway.) It was and still is a precious moment. A moment I will cherish forever. Seeing Delaney, breathing her in, holding her and smelling her sweet baby breath, her breathe smelled of heaven, a moment that was a bit overwhelming and bittersweet but so precious. It was one of those moments that that I will ponder in my heart until I see my precious Jesus and then my sweet Rachel. The experience brings tears to my eyes all over again. I left the hospital that morning breathless and sobbing and spent a lot of the weekend doing the same. Not just tears of grief and missing Rachel but thankful tears for the experience with Rachel, her birth and her death and the journey that I know will continue even with its ups and downs. On my way home, I stopped by Kroger bought her some flowers and took them to the cemetery, some beautiful pink roses and a wildflower mix in vibrant hot pink, yellow, purple and green, her favorite colors! She would love them and she would love Delaney too! I am still amazed by the experience of Delaney's birth. And so thankful!!!
I was scheduled to work labor on Sunday night and for the first time I did not dread it. I got put on call and then got called in late Sunday evening. Of course my labor patient ended being a stat C-section but nevertheless it was all okay for the patient, her baby and for me emotionally. And for that I am thankful too! Thank you Lord for a turning point...
In one of my emails or twitter, the Lord led me to this... the She Speaks Scholarship Contest 2011.
Here is a quote from their website... "The She Speaks Conference is where you will receive the tools and the confidence to answer God’s call on your life. You will learn how to make the most of your messages, the nuts and bolts of speaking, writing, leading and influencing, and have the opportunity to meet with some of today’s top Christian publishers. She Speaks is not just another conference … it is a true experience with God and a revival in your calling!" I have been praying for God to open a door and I believe He has. I have known and felt for quite some time that the Lord was going to use this grief experience/journey in an amazing way. I have also felt that He was calling me to speak or write and I feel in my spirit like this is a door that He is opening.
As a mother, I have always thought that there is no way that I would ever be able to survive the death of one of my children. But you know what... I have and I am stronger for it. Do I still have hard days and do I feel weak? Yes! But His word tells me that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
If I were to curl up in a corner and shrivel away or become bitter and angry, how would that honor her memory? It wouldn't and Satan would win. More importantly how would that honor HIM? By sharing this journey with Him, our baby girl will live on forever in the hearts and lives of many, many that never even knew her. Is it because of anything that I did or said? Absolutely not! It is Him, all Him. This experience is not and never has been about Rachel, my family or me it is all about Him! His word also says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
I am still praying about what I am supposed to do... write or speak maybe both... the thought of both scares me but with Him I know I can do anything!
*update*
A few weekends ago, the Lord told me that He wants me to do what I fear the most... and that is speaking, yes She Speaks... am I comfortable with that, no! Am I scared, nervous etc.? Yes! But am I willing and open? Absolutely yes!
