Morning Meetings...

Here lately I do not sleep… He awakens me at 3 or 4am and no matter how hard I try to sleep, He keeps me up, and my mind will not shut up… so many thoughts and feelings. I knew that this month would be a struggle, as it will be my first birthday without Rachel, she would also turn 16. In my morning meeting with Him today I also realized and remembered that Oct has always been a little difficult. My precious David should be 21 this month.

As I tried to lie down again this morning I was praying… best I can remember it was something like this…

Father God I lift up Stella, Bekah and Dana this morning as they share this new life you have blessed them with. I also lift up Amanda and baby Jack and her family today, another new life. I praise You Father for new life. Please be with my Uncle Sam and my daddy. Heal them.

I also lift up Chris, Andrew and I up to You this morning. This month is so hard. Every day is one day closer to her birthday… that is hard to swallow and still so unbelievable that she is not here. Selfishly I want her back, even if only for a moment… one last hug, kiss, a sweet smile or just to hear her day “I love you momma, muah.” Oh that sweet voice. Precious. Then He reminds me that He understands our pain and grief. He chose to give up His Son for us that we may have eternal life despite our sin. Father God I am sorry where I fail you so many times. I miss her, I want her back… He chose to give up Your Son. His only Son, His choice. And all for us. I am also reminded that “Everything is Yours God and We WILL praise you in this storm.”

In the last few days I have gone back and read my journal from almost 10 years ago. I am in awe of His hand in our marriage. Chris and I have struggled for more of our marriage than not. I would have to say that the first 10 years of our marriage we didn’t even really like each other. It is a true miracle that we have made it and we give the GLORY to Him. We have struggled with my abortions, credit card debt not just once but twice, and now Rachel’s death. On the way home from the hospital I remember saying to Chris that couples that lose children statistically do not stay together. We made a commitment that would not happen to us. Rachel’s death has brought us closer together. It has kept our focus on Him. At the time I was not even thinking about abortion and what a miracle it already was that we were still together. Satan has so obviously tried to take our marriage and our children. WE WILL NOT LET him succeed. I also realize the more committed we are to that the harder he will try. I pray a hedge of protection around us. I have come to realize that that her death is not about us or our grief; it is ALL about Him and His glory.

As I was walking Thurs morning in the park that I grew up in I was reminded of all the times that I played there, ran there, bicycled there, spent many an hour in the “fort” that was ours (Devon’s & mine), read many a book under a tree somewhere, went craw dad fishing and walked the trails. As I walked I was listening to 50 Days in Heaven read by randy Alcorn. The Lord reminded me of many things… “If we can learn to fix our eyes on Jesus, to see through the fog (our grief) and picture our eternal home in our mind’s eye, it will comfort and energize us, giving us a clear look at the finish line. Paul when faced with hardship, beatings said ‘One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward is Christ Jesus.’ (Philippians 3:13-14) What gave Paul and continues to give us strength? A clear view of heaven.

Rachel used to tell me she was going to be an attorney, a pro-life attorney—she was going to make a difference in this world~~ Baby girl you are making a difference in this world, even in our grief and sadness you make us proud. We love you!!!



Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is sort of that way lately...

this ia a long one: my favorite hymns, we are clinging to them...

this ia a long one: my favorite hymns, we are clinging to them...

Have thine own way lord...

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!

Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.

Great is thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!


How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.


It Is Well

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trumpet shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

a precious gift and something I will cherish forever...

It was the last day of school and I had just picked Rachel from school… she had just finished 2nd grade and she was talking a mile a minute (are you shocked?) but I noticed that she had something in her mouth. I asked her what it was and she said with a bit of a lisp “a diamond.” Oh baby it’s probably fake. “Nope, it’s REAL momma” she replied. “OK baby girl” was my reply thinking it was not worth the argument. She showed it to Chris when he came home from work and he AGREED with her. I was still not convinced. I took it to a jeweler later that week, it was REAL. Not only that but he said it was almost a ½ carat and very good quality. She was so excited but how many 2nd graders do you see running aroung wearing a ½ carat diamond. It took some convincing but we talked her into putting it up with the agreement that we would have it made it something for her when she was old enough. However, I did try to convince her to let me put it in a setting and wear as a necklace. She would not hear of it. So I put it up. Fast forward to this year… we were going to give it to her for her 16th birthday in a drop necklace. Here it is now… there is nothing else I can say without tearing up, its’ beautiful, just as she was… today has been a hard one for both of us. It’s been 5 months.

September 28...

September 28

When she was little she had a lot of funny things she would say... When she was learning to talk, one day she kept asking where is my a-ho? It took me a while to figure out she was trying to say Andrew. We worked on saying Andrew the rest of the day... thank goodness she learned that one quick.

My mom always taught me it was not ladyliketo dig in another lady's purse. I taught Rachel the same thing. One day we were in the the grocery store line and she started digging in my purse. I told her that it's not nice to dig in another lady's purse. She looked at me and said, "you not a wady you my momma." I thought the lady in line behind us was going to lose her dentures she was laughing so hard. My other favorite was when she would say "beff you! aka bless you." And if she sneezed she would say in a sassy sort of way, "wull, is anybody bless me?" One more favorite: She got in the car one day after school and said "momma, somebody said a cuss word... Judson and Colton Wall were with me and got very big eyed, thinking uh oh Miss Georgia is gonna get mad... She would not tell me what it was and would only say it was the "s" "h" word, when I finally got it out of her, it was "shut up." Andrew, Judson and Colton all three rolled their eyes as if to say, whatever...

I can still hear that sweet voice echoing in my ears... I miss her so...

the River...

The River...

Most of you know I went back to Heart O' the Hills for my camp reunion last weekend. While a difficult trip to make it was a good one. There was only a small group that were able to go, thanks to Ike but it was a sweet time of swimming in the river, taking siestas, milk line, ice cream at Jane's house, watching old camp film, sharing memories, singing songs and yes crying... As I sat on tribe hill I longed for Rachel to be there with me or at least have known that she got to experience the Heart as I had. I was reminded by a dear friend on the hill that she was there with us. She was sitting on her first Shawnee Hill and taking it all in just as I had as a little girl and now grown up. As I sat in church school overlooking the beautiful
last Sunday He gently reminded of my past, my present and my future as I watched the river quietly flow. Quietly flow, yet with life, fish swimming, turtles shyly peeking around and even a long skinny turtle (code for snake in the river) decided to swim by. HE quietly reminded me of my past as a camper and then counselor, my present as a woman of the King, a wife and mother... and yes of two, even if one of my children happens to live in heaven, and my future... not sure what the future holds for us. But I do know that if we keep relying on HIM it is going to be awesome. And right now we are really not thinking of the future we are still putting one foot in front of the other and following His lead.

It was 1975 the first year I attended there. I loved it. It was a place where I could be me, I could be a kid, a kid with no responsibilities other than myself and having fun and boy did I have fun. I went there until 1982 when I could no longer be a camper. And then worked two summers until I could be a counselor and then one summer as a counselor. My days there are a big part of who I am. I learned about truthfulness, goodness, purity, trust, faith, honesty, unselfishness and courage. I made lasting friendships. And I know that it is a place that brings me such peace and comfort and I am always welcome there. The feeling of diving in that water was incredible and you know how I feel about large bodies of water... that particular part of the river is wonderful... cool, crisp and refreshing... A part of me will always long for camp but I must face what is is my present and my future. As we were sharing favorite scriptures in church school a dear friend mentioned her favorite... it is the same one I have been hanging on to since I saw Rachel laying there on the stretcher in ER that night. I kept saying it over and over to her that night as Jesus came to take her home. I am clinging to it; although sometimes by a thread... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11We do have hope and we do have a future...

Remember the times we’ve had here,
Remember when you’re away,
Remember the friends you’ve made here,
And don’t forget to come back some day,
Remember the blazing campfires,
The sparkling waters too,
For you belong to Heart O’ the Hills,
And Heart O’ the Hills belongs to you,
Remember….

Chicken and Dumplings

Chicken and Dumplings...

I made a big pot of chicken and dumplings today. I had been home sick for a couple of days and already eaten all of my favorite comfort foods… stew, taco soup, mashed potatoes and mac n cheese. So today it was chicken and dumplings my own made up creation. I’ll save that story for another time. Anyway the chicken was cooked and picked off the bone, it was simmering in the pot and as I began to make the dumplings I could almost hear Rachel reminding me to make extra (usually triple). And then she would ask are you sure that’s enough? Funny how even the littlest thing will make me think of her… She LOVED the dumplings… those types of memories are so bittersweet. I miss her sweet voice and her sweet hugs and the sweet way she called me momma or said Daaad when she knew he was kidding with her. I miss that smile… I miss the way she always said sleep sleep instead of sleep sweet. And muah at the end of a phone conversation. I write because there are so many things that I never want to forget. I want them in my heart forever…

one of my favorite places to be...

one of my favorite places to be...

Next weekend I am going to camp... Heart of the Hills camp for Girls... I went there every summer for a month from 1975-1985, it holds a VERY special place in my heart!

Another one of those hurdles, a whole new set of people that I knew and loved
that want to love on me since Rachel's death, it's gonna be hard... However, I will be sitting around the campfire singing songs, singing in the dining hall, staying up late with the girls talking, swimming in the river, riding horses and maybe even competing in a canoe race. I haven't decided on that one yet... it's 10 "girls" in a canoe racing... we'll see how the horse treats me. Just like when I was a little girl preparing to go, I got a new sleeping bag and it's cute (pink cammo)! On Sunday we have church school overlooking the Guadalupe River. Next to church it is my favorite place to be on a Sunday morning. The worship is awesome, just experiencing His creation and the beauty of it AMAZING!!!