He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:3-6
Another first, yet so different. Different because I have a newer and deeper appreciation for Easter than ever before. At the suggestion of a sweet friend who has also buried a child I watched The Passion yesterday, Good Friday. I watched it with new eyes and new feelings.
A few of my thoughts…
~ I related to Peter in a way I never had before. I am just like him… how many times have I promised to follow Him and then deny Him? Ouch
~ Jesus you did this for me
~ Each blow to the face, lash with the whip and nail through his flesh is repelling and an indisputable testimony of divine love
~ Every lash of the whip I did to you
~ A crown of thorns placed on your head for me
~ It was excruciating to watch
~ It was and is personal
~ You humbled yourself for me
~ I felt all over again the pain of not only realizing my Savior died for me… but the pain of watching my baby die. I felt Mary’s pain intensely! She kissed His feet. I kissed every one of her fingers and toes as I said goodbye one last time. She held Him… She wept, oh the hurt she must have felt, I feel it…
~ His heart broke with compassion for his mother
~ He looks on us with the same compassion
~ Mary’s grief and my grief and confusion were nothing compared to the awesome work accomplished that afternoon
~ Christ will do glorious works that involve suffering and loss. He persists in a greater glory. He knows one day I will understand
~ At the very moment Christ was dying on the cross, salvation was secured for all who would believe. The enemy was defeated. God was momentarily turning His face as every sin known to man was heaped on His Son. The hours Christ spent on the cross represented the most significant moments ever
~ I know because He died for me and rose again I will see my baby again and meet my precious Samuel and David for the first time… Hallelujah!!!
I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Ephesians 1:18-21
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Bad Dream...
Here goes...
I tried to read my chronological Bible and a good Christian novel in bed for a bit until around 11 or a little after. I thought I was sleepy and snuggled up to chris who is sleeping very soundly I might ad. He was sawing logs quite nicely... I snuggled my feet under Griff to get them warm. I initially had trouble going to sleep so I began to pray... pray for Jamie and Josh and this weekend that they would be open to hear His voice and the enemy would be kept away! I prayed for our church, you and Tricia and your family and then I began to pray for this month for Chris, Andrew and I. Andrew may not be able to come home afterall, maneuvers that weekend. He will be a specialist tomorrow, aka Corporal. I also prayed for all those directly affected by Rachel's death. Then for me... I told HIM that I want to see her, hold her, feel her presence, feel her hug, hear her sweet voice say "momma," I want to feel her sweet lips kiss mine and hear her say muwah with a big smack. As I drifted off to sleep it was as if the room became this cloudy white filled place. The room was amazing, I thought I would see her even if just for a moment. I slept a bit and then the room changed... I was standing before a big black conveyor belt that I was told by someone that would take me to her and to my precious Samuel and David. I reached, and reached, and reached. I couldn't reach it and then it felt wrong almost scary to reach it, not really knowing where it would take me. I wanted to so bad though.... A part of me really wanted to go but I aslo knew that I am supposed to stay here and continue this journey... I began to pull my arms back and I couldn’t move them, now I was scared. I needed to stay here- it was difficult to move my arms back. Now I was really scared and willed my eyes to open from this dream. When I was finally able Ito wake up I was very disoriented and had to pat Chris on the chest to realize I was awake and try to look around our very dark bedroom. I knew the dream was gone. I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear of it being continued, however I prayed myself back to sleep for about an hour and then the LORD promted me out of bed. Thinking, how bad did I really want to be with her? I want it badly but not right now not like this... I miss her, I just want to feel a hug or see her sweet smile... I want this month to be over... Right now I feel like a bit of a basket case...
trying to go back to bed, even if to read for a bit... no more weird dreams!!!
I tried to read my chronological Bible and a good Christian novel in bed for a bit until around 11 or a little after. I thought I was sleepy and snuggled up to chris who is sleeping very soundly I might ad. He was sawing logs quite nicely... I snuggled my feet under Griff to get them warm. I initially had trouble going to sleep so I began to pray... pray for Jamie and Josh and this weekend that they would be open to hear His voice and the enemy would be kept away! I prayed for our church, you and Tricia and your family and then I began to pray for this month for Chris, Andrew and I. Andrew may not be able to come home afterall, maneuvers that weekend. He will be a specialist tomorrow, aka Corporal. I also prayed for all those directly affected by Rachel's death. Then for me... I told HIM that I want to see her, hold her, feel her presence, feel her hug, hear her sweet voice say "momma," I want to feel her sweet lips kiss mine and hear her say muwah with a big smack. As I drifted off to sleep it was as if the room became this cloudy white filled place. The room was amazing, I thought I would see her even if just for a moment. I slept a bit and then the room changed... I was standing before a big black conveyor belt that I was told by someone that would take me to her and to my precious Samuel and David. I reached, and reached, and reached. I couldn't reach it and then it felt wrong almost scary to reach it, not really knowing where it would take me. I wanted to so bad though.... A part of me really wanted to go but I aslo knew that I am supposed to stay here and continue this journey... I began to pull my arms back and I couldn’t move them, now I was scared. I needed to stay here- it was difficult to move my arms back. Now I was really scared and willed my eyes to open from this dream. When I was finally able Ito wake up I was very disoriented and had to pat Chris on the chest to realize I was awake and try to look around our very dark bedroom. I knew the dream was gone. I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear of it being continued, however I prayed myself back to sleep for about an hour and then the LORD promted me out of bed. Thinking, how bad did I really want to be with her? I want it badly but not right now not like this... I miss her, I just want to feel a hug or see her sweet smile... I want this month to be over... Right now I feel like a bit of a basket case...
trying to go back to bed, even if to read for a bit... no more weird dreams!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Blessed...
As I am doing my Bible study, Stepping Up, I am learning about the word “blessed.” It has caused me to really reflect on the meaning of this word. I have always thought of blessed as just another way of saying happy. True, but there is so much more to this word. He continues to amaze me, I needed this today...
Blessed is defined as: consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified, worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship, divinely or supremely favored; fortunate, blissfully happy or contented.
According to Beth Moore, “Biblically, one is pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life. The hand of God is directing all his affairs for a divine purpose, and thus, in a sense, such a person lived, coram Deo, before the face of God. Sometimes the circumstances of our suffering may not change, but the circumstances of our hearts are changed in the midst of them through a keen sense of God’s presence and a lively perception of His activity.
Blessedness describes the condition of a person who reveres God, steeps her life in Him, and follows His ways. She doesn’t just look to God in spiritual or religious matters. She looks to Him in every matter. He’s not just the most important part of her life. He is her life. The result of this divine invasion is that her life operates overall with joy, peace, hope and purpose.”
Blessed is what I want, it is what I desire, it is what I hunger and thirst for, it is what I pray for…
Add Comment
Kevlyn says...
"Thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts that come about in the midst of getting closer to our Father, HIM, The Almighty, Lord of Lords. Only God can put such in a Spirit that hungers after HIM. Continue to seek his face, for in his face comes about TRUTH. (Kevelyn)" (3/15/09)
Blessed is defined as: consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified, worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship, divinely or supremely favored; fortunate, blissfully happy or contented.
According to Beth Moore, “Biblically, one is pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life. The hand of God is directing all his affairs for a divine purpose, and thus, in a sense, such a person lived, coram Deo, before the face of God. Sometimes the circumstances of our suffering may not change, but the circumstances of our hearts are changed in the midst of them through a keen sense of God’s presence and a lively perception of His activity.
Blessedness describes the condition of a person who reveres God, steeps her life in Him, and follows His ways. She doesn’t just look to God in spiritual or religious matters. She looks to Him in every matter. He’s not just the most important part of her life. He is her life. The result of this divine invasion is that her life operates overall with joy, peace, hope and purpose.”
Blessed is what I want, it is what I desire, it is what I hunger and thirst for, it is what I pray for…
Add Comment
Kevlyn says...
"Thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts that come about in the midst of getting closer to our Father, HIM, The Almighty, Lord of Lords. Only God can put such in a Spirit that hungers after HIM. Continue to seek his face, for in his face comes about TRUTH. (Kevelyn)" (3/15/09)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
40 days...
February 26, 2009
40 days of prayer and fasting…
Prayer and fasting… just what does that mean? For me it meant examining my life, I mean really examining my life in Him. And examining the “things” that were getting in the way of going “deeper” with Him. I had to deal with some stuff… it was hard. Not the actual fast… dealing with the stuff. Sure I dealt with “wanting” what I had given up as part of my fast but really that was easier than I thought. It was even sort of fun exploring new foods as I gave up others. I have learned to like some new things and realized that I can live without a lot the junk that I was eating. That wasn’t the real issue though, the issue was the stuff that was getting in the way of moving forward with Him. But first, God intended for me to rest, rest in Him awhile…
Dealing with the “stuff,” now that was hard. At times I even felt like He was silent, even distant… now that was painful. I realized that He wanted me in a place of listening, learning and reflecting. I have also learned that some lessons, probably the greatest ones are learned when I am flat on my face with my mouth SHUT! I so want to see and hear Him every step of this journey. I have never longed for Him more.
The stuff or my thoughts as written in my journal…
February 2, 2009
~ Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful ~ I don't
~ How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry ~ I want to be excited when He comes
~ the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy ~ I don't like it
~ I have felt idle, even numb again ~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think that this idleness was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris.
~ I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment ~ yet I can't
~ Before Rachel's death I had become complacent ~ I don't want to be like that ever again
~ how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her ~ I can't
~ my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him ~ I don't like it
~ I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again ~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
~ Now I am probably a little angry with myself too ~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her
I stayed here awhile; numb, angry, apathetic, idle, confused, angry some more… My anger and resentment are keeping me from being “like minded” with Him. That’s an uncomfortable place to be… I know that I need to work on the anger and resentment in order to have intimacy with Him.
February 3, 2009
I was challenged to read and meditate on Job 28: 12-28 & 38-42: 1-6
Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind… Job 38:1a
Just as the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm He speaks to me in the storm, when I need Him the most.
As I read and meditated further on these scriptures I began to realize: who am I to question Him? After I felt like He told me to “put my big girl panties on and listen up (38: 3b),” it was His turn to question me. His questions were tough… Did I participate in creation? Can I take care of the animals He created? Can I control the behemoth and the leviathan? What power do I have? What understanding? What control? What dominion? What authority? What wisdom? What providence? What knowledge? What freedom? What creativity? He demanded answers from Job and from me. Job felt unworthy and didn’t have any answers, neither did I. Who am I to question Him?
Job was honored by God ~ God could trust Job to remain faithful in spite of everything. Can He trust me like He trusted Job? I am trying to be thankful right now for this journey. At times it’s been easier, right now NOT.
However, I am learning and realizing the He has a purpose in all of our suffering. He wants to show me His wisdom. He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. Patience is not one of my gifts. I am learning… He wants to reveal character.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will sour on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
February 7, 2009
I am up at 2 am. Again…
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1: 2-3
Remember the song Spirit of the Living God? Read the lyrics,
they became my prayer…
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Fall, fall, fall, fall down on me
Spirit of the living God
Fall afresh, fall afresh, fall afresh on me
Today in Exodus I am reading about the Israelites and their pilgrimage into the Promised land. It always amazes me how He speaks to me not only through song but more importantly, His word.
In all the travels of the Israelites whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift they did not set out - until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the LORD was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels. Exodus 40:36-38
The cloud guided and protected the Israelites. They traveled and camped as God guided. I want to follow His guidance. I want to know I am right where He wants me even if it means staying put. I also know that I need to quit asking “what am I supposed to do next?” Instead I need to be asking “God, what am I supposed to be doing while I am here?” He has a purpose for this time, such a time as this…
I feel like the Israelites right now… the cloud is hovering and I am supposed to stay put for now. It’s hard. He is also reminding me that He never sends me into a situation alone. He always goes before me, as He did the children of Israel when He led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He always goes before me in any journey that I encounter. He is never caught by surprise, He has always been there. He is prepared to meet my every need and knows exactly what I need for this journey. Even better, He is with me too. I am never alone.
February 9, 2009
Back to Job 28: 12-28
Trust and obey, it purifies our faith. Quit asking why ~ He is beyond my comprehension and I cannot begin to know why He allows this suffering. My part is simply to remain faithful. He may never explain why. I can’t have His wisdom. To fear Him IS wisdom. It’s better to know Him than to know the answers. This journey is shaping me for something special ~ something only He can do.
February 14, 2009
I feel like He is keeping His distance from me. These last couple of weeks ~ no comfort or little comfort. He could do something, yet He doesn’t. Why? Maybe it’s to deepen my desire for Him, for His presence, to strengthen my passion to pursue Him, to help me see how preoccupied I have been with filling myself with something less than Him. I know God has a dream for my life, why can’t I just be patient and wait? He wants me to have true joy.
So I have sat here ALL day watching sappy “chick flicks” on TV and realizing Rachel would be parked in her bed or on the love seat snuggled up under a bunch a blankets watching all of them with me. She would laugh at me when I cry. After all they are pretty corny, but she knew what a bawl bag I am and got a pretty big kick out of it.
The feeling of numbness is wearing off, quickly I am afraid. The hurt, the pain, the missing her, the heartbreak of NEVER seeing her, hearing her sweet voice, seeing her precious and vibrant smile again all come flooding back. And no card with a five dollar bill in it from my daddy. I find myself in her room, in her closet taking her all in, looking at all the photos, touching her clothes. Her smell is still there. I know I will see her again someday, but I long for that moment right now!
February 18, 2009
You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to be distressed by various trials so that the genuineness of your faith – more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Peter 1: 6 & 7
Dear friends, when the fiery ordeal arises among you to test you, don’t be surprised by it, as if something unusual were happening to you. I Peter 4:12
Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. I Peter 5:10
Bear with me, I am all over the map today.
This month has been a struggle… I have walked silently though this valley of uncertainty. I haven’t always understood, but the longer He has walked and talked with me the clearer things have become. He has reminded me that this “shattered dream” is for my benefit. His presence has become more real than ever; it is only when my dreams are completely “shattered” that I am able to see more clearly, the only ONE who really matters ~ Jesus.
The memories are flooding back… the Sunday afternoon one last kiss before I left for work, calling one more time after I left, I heard her voice for the last time. I can almost hear it now. The phone call. The girls at work gathering around me to pray, helping me get my stuff together, making phone calls and taking me to my daddy, then to Parkland. Telling my daddy. The drive over to Parkland, telling Marianne she was going to be okay no matter what, even if we didn't get to keep her. I told her that over and over again. Arriving at Parkland at EXACTLY the same time Chris did. Seeing his face. Feeling his embrace and love even in his own anguish. Going into "that room" and hearing what the Dr had to say about my baby girl. Seeing her in the ER. Telling her goodbye, one last time. Telling her I love her and she was the best girl ever. Telling her to go be with Jesus over and over again. Resting my head on her chest until I could no longer hear her heart beat. Praying scripture over her... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and For I know that plans I have for you..." Kissing her on the cheek on more time, kissing each of her fingers and yes her toes. Being overwhelmed by ALL the people that came to be with us. Telling Chris that we would not let Satan have us. Promising him I would NEVER blame him. Feeling his guilt. Seeing Andrew for the first time. Oh, the relief. So many memories, so many firsts... Watching "chick flicks" without her. Valentine's Day without her this year. Hard.
The anger, the apathy, the numbness, the resentment; all gone for now… Now there is just pain, the pain of missing her.
Why does it get on my last nerve when people say, “when you lost Rachel?” Why? Because we did not lose her, she will always be with us. She will live on in our hearts and memories, always. Always. I see bits of her everywhere. I see how she touched and changed lives and continues to do so. She is still changing mine. I love that!
I want to quit dwelling on her death. I want to dwell on the sweet memories and the life she lived with us. I want her life to change others. It is our hope and prayer that His story, her story, our story changes hearts to accept the love and protection that come only from HIM!
Have I been resigned or surrendered to this journey? Or to this grief? Honestly, at times both. I want to be surrendered. I don’t have to understand, I just have to be surrendered.
Back to Job 38 – 42, who am I? He is either sovereign in my life or not. This last month I have been resigned to it. I want to be surrendered. I am ready to be surrendered.
I want… ONE heart, ONE mind, ONE passion, ONE covenant. I want to be surrendered to His plan. I want Him to show me what is next. I want joy that permeates this sorrow. I want this…
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart may sing you to You and not be silent. O LORD my God I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30: 11-12
He keeps leading me back to this:
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3
February 21, 2009
Finally took down the Christmas stuff today. It was easier than I thought, until I got to her stocking… I gazed at it hanging there, I took it down and held it for a moment. I clutched it to my chest and cried. Then He gently reminded me that we are walking on new ground and He is doing a new thing… God is up to something big, bigger than me. I am reminded of the words to the song
“Whatever You’re Doing”
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe ...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
I am excited to see what this new thing is, it’s new ground…
February 22, 2009
40 days… WOW!
Add Comment
LJ says...
"I sigh! Heart wrenching to read, but am so thankful you are continuing to seek His guidance and know this journey is for you and yours. You know so many of us are living this journey with you, in the only way we can live it, praying, loving and lifting you all up. Having our memories we can hold onto, and knowing we will see her again. Thanks for sharing from your heart, your 40 days. Much love!" (3/4/09)
Emiley Wright says...
"My heart ached to read this.. But I'm so glad I did. Like the comment says below, THANK-YOU for sharing your heart. Many Prayers & love sent your way!!! " (3/5/09)
40 days of prayer and fasting…
Prayer and fasting… just what does that mean? For me it meant examining my life, I mean really examining my life in Him. And examining the “things” that were getting in the way of going “deeper” with Him. I had to deal with some stuff… it was hard. Not the actual fast… dealing with the stuff. Sure I dealt with “wanting” what I had given up as part of my fast but really that was easier than I thought. It was even sort of fun exploring new foods as I gave up others. I have learned to like some new things and realized that I can live without a lot the junk that I was eating. That wasn’t the real issue though, the issue was the stuff that was getting in the way of moving forward with Him. But first, God intended for me to rest, rest in Him awhile…
Dealing with the “stuff,” now that was hard. At times I even felt like He was silent, even distant… now that was painful. I realized that He wanted me in a place of listening, learning and reflecting. I have also learned that some lessons, probably the greatest ones are learned when I am flat on my face with my mouth SHUT! I so want to see and hear Him every step of this journey. I have never longed for Him more.
The stuff or my thoughts as written in my journal…
February 2, 2009
~ Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful ~ I don't
~ How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry ~ I want to be excited when He comes
~ the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy ~ I don't like it
~ I have felt idle, even numb again ~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think that this idleness was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris.
~ I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment ~ yet I can't
~ Before Rachel's death I had become complacent ~ I don't want to be like that ever again
~ how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her ~ I can't
~ my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him ~ I don't like it
~ I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again ~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
~ Now I am probably a little angry with myself too ~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her
I stayed here awhile; numb, angry, apathetic, idle, confused, angry some more… My anger and resentment are keeping me from being “like minded” with Him. That’s an uncomfortable place to be… I know that I need to work on the anger and resentment in order to have intimacy with Him.
February 3, 2009
I was challenged to read and meditate on Job 28: 12-28 & 38-42: 1-6
Then the LORD answered Job from the whirlwind… Job 38:1a
Just as the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm He speaks to me in the storm, when I need Him the most.
As I read and meditated further on these scriptures I began to realize: who am I to question Him? After I felt like He told me to “put my big girl panties on and listen up (38: 3b),” it was His turn to question me. His questions were tough… Did I participate in creation? Can I take care of the animals He created? Can I control the behemoth and the leviathan? What power do I have? What understanding? What control? What dominion? What authority? What wisdom? What providence? What knowledge? What freedom? What creativity? He demanded answers from Job and from me. Job felt unworthy and didn’t have any answers, neither did I. Who am I to question Him?
Job was honored by God ~ God could trust Job to remain faithful in spite of everything. Can He trust me like He trusted Job? I am trying to be thankful right now for this journey. At times it’s been easier, right now NOT.
However, I am learning and realizing the He has a purpose in all of our suffering. He wants to show me His wisdom. He wants the trial of our faith to work patience. Patience is not one of my gifts. I am learning… He wants to reveal character.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will sour on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
February 7, 2009
I am up at 2 am. Again…
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1: 2-3
Remember the song Spirit of the Living God? Read the lyrics,
they became my prayer…
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Fall fresh, fall down on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Fall, fall, fall, fall down on me
Spirit of the living God
Fall afresh, fall afresh, fall afresh on me
Today in Exodus I am reading about the Israelites and their pilgrimage into the Promised land. It always amazes me how He speaks to me not only through song but more importantly, His word.
In all the travels of the Israelites whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift they did not set out - until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the LORD was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels. Exodus 40:36-38
The cloud guided and protected the Israelites. They traveled and camped as God guided. I want to follow His guidance. I want to know I am right where He wants me even if it means staying put. I also know that I need to quit asking “what am I supposed to do next?” Instead I need to be asking “God, what am I supposed to be doing while I am here?” He has a purpose for this time, such a time as this…
I feel like the Israelites right now… the cloud is hovering and I am supposed to stay put for now. It’s hard. He is also reminding me that He never sends me into a situation alone. He always goes before me, as He did the children of Israel when He led them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He always goes before me in any journey that I encounter. He is never caught by surprise, He has always been there. He is prepared to meet my every need and knows exactly what I need for this journey. Even better, He is with me too. I am never alone.
February 9, 2009
Back to Job 28: 12-28
Trust and obey, it purifies our faith. Quit asking why ~ He is beyond my comprehension and I cannot begin to know why He allows this suffering. My part is simply to remain faithful. He may never explain why. I can’t have His wisdom. To fear Him IS wisdom. It’s better to know Him than to know the answers. This journey is shaping me for something special ~ something only He can do.
February 14, 2009
I feel like He is keeping His distance from me. These last couple of weeks ~ no comfort or little comfort. He could do something, yet He doesn’t. Why? Maybe it’s to deepen my desire for Him, for His presence, to strengthen my passion to pursue Him, to help me see how preoccupied I have been with filling myself with something less than Him. I know God has a dream for my life, why can’t I just be patient and wait? He wants me to have true joy.
So I have sat here ALL day watching sappy “chick flicks” on TV and realizing Rachel would be parked in her bed or on the love seat snuggled up under a bunch a blankets watching all of them with me. She would laugh at me when I cry. After all they are pretty corny, but she knew what a bawl bag I am and got a pretty big kick out of it.
The feeling of numbness is wearing off, quickly I am afraid. The hurt, the pain, the missing her, the heartbreak of NEVER seeing her, hearing her sweet voice, seeing her precious and vibrant smile again all come flooding back. And no card with a five dollar bill in it from my daddy. I find myself in her room, in her closet taking her all in, looking at all the photos, touching her clothes. Her smell is still there. I know I will see her again someday, but I long for that moment right now!
February 18, 2009
You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to be distressed by various trials so that the genuineness of your faith – more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. I Peter 1: 6 & 7
Dear friends, when the fiery ordeal arises among you to test you, don’t be surprised by it, as if something unusual were happening to you. I Peter 4:12
Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. I Peter 5:10
Bear with me, I am all over the map today.
This month has been a struggle… I have walked silently though this valley of uncertainty. I haven’t always understood, but the longer He has walked and talked with me the clearer things have become. He has reminded me that this “shattered dream” is for my benefit. His presence has become more real than ever; it is only when my dreams are completely “shattered” that I am able to see more clearly, the only ONE who really matters ~ Jesus.
The memories are flooding back… the Sunday afternoon one last kiss before I left for work, calling one more time after I left, I heard her voice for the last time. I can almost hear it now. The phone call. The girls at work gathering around me to pray, helping me get my stuff together, making phone calls and taking me to my daddy, then to Parkland. Telling my daddy. The drive over to Parkland, telling Marianne she was going to be okay no matter what, even if we didn't get to keep her. I told her that over and over again. Arriving at Parkland at EXACTLY the same time Chris did. Seeing his face. Feeling his embrace and love even in his own anguish. Going into "that room" and hearing what the Dr had to say about my baby girl. Seeing her in the ER. Telling her goodbye, one last time. Telling her I love her and she was the best girl ever. Telling her to go be with Jesus over and over again. Resting my head on her chest until I could no longer hear her heart beat. Praying scripture over her... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and For I know that plans I have for you..." Kissing her on the cheek on more time, kissing each of her fingers and yes her toes. Being overwhelmed by ALL the people that came to be with us. Telling Chris that we would not let Satan have us. Promising him I would NEVER blame him. Feeling his guilt. Seeing Andrew for the first time. Oh, the relief. So many memories, so many firsts... Watching "chick flicks" without her. Valentine's Day without her this year. Hard.
The anger, the apathy, the numbness, the resentment; all gone for now… Now there is just pain, the pain of missing her.
Why does it get on my last nerve when people say, “when you lost Rachel?” Why? Because we did not lose her, she will always be with us. She will live on in our hearts and memories, always. Always. I see bits of her everywhere. I see how she touched and changed lives and continues to do so. She is still changing mine. I love that!
I want to quit dwelling on her death. I want to dwell on the sweet memories and the life she lived with us. I want her life to change others. It is our hope and prayer that His story, her story, our story changes hearts to accept the love and protection that come only from HIM!
Have I been resigned or surrendered to this journey? Or to this grief? Honestly, at times both. I want to be surrendered. I don’t have to understand, I just have to be surrendered.
Back to Job 38 – 42, who am I? He is either sovereign in my life or not. This last month I have been resigned to it. I want to be surrendered. I am ready to be surrendered.
I want… ONE heart, ONE mind, ONE passion, ONE covenant. I want to be surrendered to His plan. I want Him to show me what is next. I want joy that permeates this sorrow. I want this…
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my heart may sing you to You and not be silent. O LORD my God I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30: 11-12
He keeps leading me back to this:
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3
February 21, 2009
Finally took down the Christmas stuff today. It was easier than I thought, until I got to her stocking… I gazed at it hanging there, I took it down and held it for a moment. I clutched it to my chest and cried. Then He gently reminded me that we are walking on new ground and He is doing a new thing… God is up to something big, bigger than me. I am reminded of the words to the song
“Whatever You’re Doing”
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe ...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
I am excited to see what this new thing is, it’s new ground…
February 22, 2009
40 days… WOW!
Add Comment
LJ says...
"I sigh! Heart wrenching to read, but am so thankful you are continuing to seek His guidance and know this journey is for you and yours. You know so many of us are living this journey with you, in the only way we can live it, praying, loving and lifting you all up. Having our memories we can hold onto, and knowing we will see her again. Thanks for sharing from your heart, your 40 days. Much love!" (3/4/09)
Emiley Wright says...
"My heart ached to read this.. But I'm so glad I did. Like the comment says below, THANK-YOU for sharing your heart. Many Prayers & love sent your way!!! " (3/5/09)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
February 24
Chris and I were watching Akeelah and the Bee the other day. I remember seeing that movie with Rachel. I also remember crying at one point and it is not even really a tear jerker. Yes I am a sap even on a good day... Rachel looked over at me and just shook her head as if to say "there she goes again." I loved going to the movies with her or just laying around on a Saturday and watching movies all day... that is when she eventually got up. She could watch the "family movie" aka the remake of Father of the Bride (both of them) ALL day.
Add Comment
Kari says...
"I know exactly what you mean. When Sara was little, everyday after preschool she would come home and we would watch the Secret Garden. EVERYDAY!!! I'm so glad now that we did. " (3/2/09)
LJ says...
"I am so glad you have the memories. I am so glad we have ours of Rachel. I was telling a friend on Friday about Chris and Rachel playing cards all the time and what a comfort that must be. I too have made my focus on the 24th.
Much love--LJ" (3/2/09)
Robin says...
"For Jordan and me, our movie is Anne of Green Gables. We love to sit and watch that movie together, even if it's only once a year or so...Jeff just rolls his eyes if he walks in on our Anne-fest! It is a favorite that we quote from regularly. I'm glad you made me think of it and how thankful I am to have those movie memories together! " (3/2/09)
carrie says...
"one of my favorite things to do was go to movies with Rachel. one of the last movies we saw together was P.S I love you. She loved that movie. She talked about how she wanted to find love like they had in the movie. She was so funny how she started talking about how she wanted her first kiss to be with her one true love. She also talked about how her mother and a friend had set her up to date a boy, but he was more like a brother. She stated that was gross, it would be like kissing Andrew!" (3/24/09)
Add Comment
Kari says...
"I know exactly what you mean. When Sara was little, everyday after preschool she would come home and we would watch the Secret Garden. EVERYDAY!!! I'm so glad now that we did. " (3/2/09)
LJ says...
"I am so glad you have the memories. I am so glad we have ours of Rachel. I was telling a friend on Friday about Chris and Rachel playing cards all the time and what a comfort that must be. I too have made my focus on the 24th.
Much love--LJ" (3/2/09)
Robin says...
"For Jordan and me, our movie is Anne of Green Gables. We love to sit and watch that movie together, even if it's only once a year or so...Jeff just rolls his eyes if he walks in on our Anne-fest! It is a favorite that we quote from regularly. I'm glad you made me think of it and how thankful I am to have those movie memories together! " (3/2/09)
carrie says...
"one of my favorite things to do was go to movies with Rachel. one of the last movies we saw together was P.S I love you. She loved that movie. She talked about how she wanted to find love like they had in the movie. She was so funny how she started talking about how she wanted her first kiss to be with her one true love. She also talked about how her mother and a friend had set her up to date a boy, but he was more like a brother. She stated that was gross, it would be like kissing Andrew!" (3/24/09)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Anger...
We had a great night at work and I sat down so many times to journal and could not bring myself to do it. I guess it all started in Sunday School (Bearden's class), then confirmed in church, then in my drive to work. I may be all over the place, sorry...
my thoughts and what He has revealed to me...
Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful~ I don't
How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry~ I want to be excited when He comes
the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy~ I don't like it
I have felt idle~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think we both agreed that it was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. Since then, my new "project" is going to be going through photo albums and pictures and journaling memories of her. I am going to do the same with Andrew... I'm still praying and waiting on Him to tell me what to do with the accounts of what happened that night, it will probably be to burn them, just waiting on Him...
I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment~ yet I can't
Before Rachel's death I had become complacent~ I don't want to be like that ever again
how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her~ I can't
my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him~ I don't like it
I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
Now I am probably a little angry with myself too~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her, not self-destructibly I promise
my thoughts and what He has revealed to me...
Jesus gave up His rights for me, what right do I have to be angry or resentful~ I don't
How can I be excited to spend time with Him or even be ready when He comes if I am angry~ I want to be excited when He comes
the last couple of weeks I have felt blah, like I have been stuck with my wheels spinning and getting nowhere, the word I have been looking for and couldn't find is apathy~ I don't like it
I have felt idle~ I don't like it. At first I thought and think we both agreed that it was so I could rest, I can't. I sleep and still don't feel rested, how can I when I am up at 1:30 for a couple of hours at a time or just sleep fitfully. The other night after being up for a couple of hours, I almost had a nightmare, if you can call it almost... It was my dad with blood all over his face and all I could think in my dream was that I was going to see Rachel next, as Chris found her... That scared me. I remember waking myself up and thinking please don't let that happen... I prayed myself back to sleep without seeing her that way, which is very selfish on my part. I also often pray that God would take that image from Chris. Since then, my new "project" is going to be going through photo albums and pictures and journaling memories of her. I am going to do the same with Andrew... I'm still praying and waiting on Him to tell me what to do with the accounts of what happened that night, it will probably be to burn them, just waiting on Him...
I am not sure I will rest until I can let go of this anger/resentment~ yet I can't
Before Rachel's death I had become complacent~ I don't want to be like that ever again
how can I be "one" with Him, when I am angry at Him and her~ I can't
my anger/resentment is keeping me from being "like minded" and surrendered to Him~ I don't like it
I MUST surrender this anger/resentment, then I will have intimacy with Him again~ I want to, I really do but I can't seem to let go. I longed to be able to do so yesterday, yet I couldn't
Now I am probably a little angry with myself too~ I'd rather be mad at me than Him or her, not self-destructibly I promise
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