the quietness of the season...

December 20, 2008

It seems I have been quiet for a bit, it's hard right now... it is ,a quiet that hurts deeply... We miss her so... It seems that every day closer to Christmas is a bit harder than the day before... I was reading MaryBeth Chapmans's newsletter and it says so much better than I can put into words at the moment that I wanted to share. However, I have made it more personal and in a way that relates to our season...

We are still grieving and coming to terms with the reality that Rachel and my dad are gone from us, but present with Christ. We honestly don’t like that very much. As we enter this Christmas season and all of the festivities that it brings, it also makes the point even louder that one of us is missing. A stocking that won’t be filled and less presents under the tree. Rachel had a contagious smile & laugh that would fill the room. The reality that the precious smile & laughter of Rachel won’t be heard for awhile has been a quiet loudness that screams for Jesus to come quickly…not as a baby in a humble manger, but as the King of all Kings that will wipe all of the confusion and tears from this sad momma’s eyes! I am eagerly anticipating His arrival.

October 24th Rachel turned 15. April 28th Rachel left for heaven. We don’t like it at all, and wish with all the wish in us that God would’ve spared us this cross, but for some reason beyond understanding, our family was chosen to walk this journey of suffering out in front of the world. Our only hope is that Christ Himself has been seen. Your prayers have been felt. Thanks from the deepest part of our hearts!

How would I have lived differently if I knew that my time with Rachel was going to be this short? Regretfully, I would have lived much differently. I would have purposely hugged and kissed more. I would have tried to memorize and lock away in my heart certain smells and smiles. I would have colored more and worked less. I would have laughed more and fussed less. I would have listened more and offer whatever words were needed. I mean really listened...

I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son’s death. I know she saw him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would she him again, but she was still his mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore she was chosen to be Jesus’ mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer. Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life. She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted and give birth in a dirty stable. Most of the time at Christmas we end the story there…. in the stable, with Mary, Joseph and Jesus receiving their company. Wise men, shepherds, and angels - you get the picture in your head right? The star, the animals, the Nativity! What about the rest of it? Mary, mothering the Son of God! She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see him suffer and thus she too would suffer. I think when Mary was hiding things in her heart; it was a lot more than the reality of whom she carried in her womb. I am certain that she was hiding away the memories of first smiles and steps, as well as the first tears and tumbles. Knowing what was to come, did Mary have the opportunity to live differently as a mom to her little boy? I believe she did. I am sure that she watched him differently, taught him differently, and prayed differently. I can only imagine the discussions that she and Joseph would have when their son wasn’t listening, how they probably begged God to let the cup pass from them, but in the end yielding up the prayer we all hesitate to pray when it comes to our children…. Your will be done. UGGHH!!!! I don’t want to. I didn’t want to on April 28th, and honestly I still don’t want to now. Yet somehow we did, and somehow we will continue to. I am reminded more than ever this Christmas, that it doesn’t end at the Nativity in Bethlehem in a cozy manger… it is a journey all the way to the cross on the hill in Golgotha on Good Friday.

Christmas for Chris, Andrew & I this year represents suffering. For that matter, from here on may we always remember that it represents the ultimate suffering that came. But isn’t it amazing that it is called GOOD Friday? Why is it good if it is full of suffering? Because Easter came on Sunday and what Satan intended for evil, God intended for GOOD! Christmas ultimately ends at Easter and the reality that we will see Rachel again! If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ. I am thankful this Christmas more than ever for Easter. When all the questions I have will be answered and all the tears I have will be wiped away. Until then, Merry Christmas with the reality that Easter came and all of this suffering will some day be gone in a moment, and all things will become new and right and awesome! (courtesy of MB Chapman with my own thougths mingled in)

Thank for your prayers during this journey. It isn’t an easy one and your love and support is continually needed. May you be richly blessed for gracing us with your love.

Longing to see her sweet smile and hear her laugh in Heaven,

Georgia



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robin says...
"Thank you for sharing Mary Beth's words with us. She has no idea how the Lord is using her thoughts to minister to you and probably countless others this "would-be" joyous time of year. Our thoughts are with you as well. It hit me pretty hard to receive your Christmas card signed from "Chris, Georgia, and Andrew". I know it was more difficult for you to write it. We love you and still pray for you.
Merry Christmas,
The Selfs" (12/21/08)

Wanda Galloway says...
"Still praying dear sister. Your suffering is not in vain. I am touched and changed by your grief. Something I know you would have wished skipped over you.
I can't say anything magical that would take away your sorrow.....but I can pray and I can trust God to heal your heart.
Thank you for living outloud and sharing what God is doing in spite of your heartache. You inspire and encourage....and it's because of Rachel. God is using her every single day! May God blanket you with His love." (12/21/08)

Kari says...
"Nurse :)
YOu did live your life the way you should've...you chose a path that lead you to travel and take Rachel with you...look at the places you shared ....you were her Mom, just the way she needed you to be. Only you could love her the way she needed." (12/23/08)

Wounds of life...

from Girlfriends in God

5 am

...no wound of life is too infected for God to heal. No problem is too difficult for God to solve. No sin is too abominable for God to forgive. No sickness is beyond His ability to make well. He is able. I don't know the shattered matters of your life, but God does. He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Hang on to Jesus, friend. Hang on to Jesus. "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy" (Job 8:21). I know from personal experience that in the painful, tear-filled days, God is still good and can still be trusted. I know He is faithful. I've witnessed His strength in my weakness. I've felt His comfort in times of loss. And though we aren't always kept from experiencing shattered matters, we never have to endure them alone.

Take comfort that He knows every issue on your heart and is able to shoulder your burdens. Your challenges do not fall outside the scope of God's ability to intervene. God is mysterious, He is powerful, and He is able! When you lift your eyes from your situation and fix them on your Savior, you will find peace in the pain and strength in the struggle.

This month has really been a struggle, I miss her sooo...:-( I feel as though I have focused on my pain and not been fixing my eyes on HIM. There is peace in the pain and strength in the stuggle when I fix my eyes on HIM. HE knows my struggle, HE knows my pain, really knows my pain. HE gave up HIS one and only Son for me, HE knows my agony. HE allowed HIS own son to die a horrible death for my dirty sinful self. The thought brings me to my knees and reminds me that Christmas is about the greatest GIFT I could ever receive. If not for the GIFT, I would have no hope of ever seeing Rachel or my daddy again.

Thank you PAPA for reminding of your precious truths but most of all for your precious gift! Thank you PAPA for peace in the pain and strength in the struggle! I love you LORD!




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more firsts...

trimming our tree, she loved to help me... with the exception of the back, the part nobody sees

bought everybody a new ornament and a family ornament (living tree)

hanging the stockings

signing Christmas cards

watching our favorite Christmas movies

having a snow day

shopping...

picking out stocking stuffers with Chris

wrapping presents

opening cards from friends and family

We bought a living tree this year decorated with her favorite colors and will plant it after Christmas

Even still, it's hard...







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Kari says...
"I am so proud of you for living through the firsts......you are truly living my friend....love you!" (12/17/08)

Heather Calicott says...
"I thought about you when I saw Whitewright was out for a snow day. I lifted you up in prayer for your first snow day with out her. Think and pray for you often. When I come upon your locker at work it took my breath away to see her picture. I wasn't prepaired to see her looking at me. What a beatiful smile. I would love to have a picture of her. One from the age of 8 to 11 when I got to see that sweet face running to hug me. Love you!" (12/17/08)

Andrew is 20!!!

20 bits of trivia about our boy on his birthday… We love you Andrew, Happy Birthday!!!

1. He took his time getting here, even though he was born @ 34 weeks. He was born at 1:07pm on December 11, 1988. He weighed 6 lbs 4 oz. Hard to believe that big ole boy was such a peanut. Denny said he could hang by his toes with those feet, they were big! However, he had a “banana” shaped head from making is mama work so hard to get him here.

2. I didn’t think it was funny when my OB said Chris could go deer hunting, “nothing will happen this weekend.” Chris met Andrew for the first time at 2 hours old.


3. He was a little piranha when he ate, ouch… and would not quit until he was 15 months old.

4. It seemed every time I took him to the pediatrician he always had what we called his 3rd eye, always into something and bumping his noggin.

5. He helped me pick peas out our garden the ONE and only summer we had one. The peas never made it to the house, he “unzipped” them and ate them right there on the spot.

6. He always wanted to sleep with us, never in his baby bed, and graduated to what had been his grandpa’s junior bed at 8 months. He still wanted in our bed, yes until Kindergarten and then all of a sudden he was a “big boy.”

7. He wouldn’t go to bed until we did, he had to fall asleep on the couch.

8. He hated baby food, only the real stuff including a T-bone steak at grandpa’s for his 1st birthday, he LOVED the bone.

9. His favorite meals were “gween rice” with chicken and tater tot casserole.

10. I will still never forget the year he and Chris went to get our chickens. Chris and his friend were wringing necks, one headless chicken chased after him. He would not ANY meat for a long time that had blood in it…

11. Because he couldn’t say “granny” he named his granny “Denny.”

12. When he was 2 he was in wreck with Chris, for weeks he would say “don’t tun mama, pease don’t tun.” He was afraid the car would “cwash again.”

13. He was mad when on the first day of school he couldn’t ride the “kool bus” aka school bus.

14. Drew Thorpe was one of his first buddies at school, we love you Drew!!!



15. He loved hanging with his daddy and pop, all the time. He still loves hanging with his dad, every chance he gets.

16. We’ve always been told how polite and well mannered he is, we are proud of you Bud!!!

17. He perpetualized the name “Unca Boo.”

18. He loved football, he loved winning, he loved tackling anybody he could get his hands on. He love his friends and would do anything for them. He loves little kids and they love him, he is very good with them. He loves his family!!!

19. He LOVED his sister, even though he teased and gave her a hard time, he LOVED his sister and would have protected her with everything he had in him.

20. We are very proud of the man that he has become. He is serving in the US Army. Rachel looked up to him, she is proud too!!! Andrew we love you… Happy Birthday.

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LJ says...
"Happy 20th tomorrow Andrew!!!!!
We have some of our own sweet memories with you, and with Rachel. The summers spent in our kiddie pools, the guys love "the vine" story, fun times with us, ya'll and the Harmon's and watching you grow into a wonderful young man. You have a permanent spot in our hearts.
We all love you--Kenny, Lori, Judson and Colton" (12/10/08)

Aunt Judy & Andrea says...
"We were there when Andrew was born! Georgia called to wake Carol up, and we took her to the hospital. Andrea got to hold Andrew right after he was born, and she's always remembered it. We're proud of you, Andrew, Happy Birthday!" (12/10/08)

Robin says...
"Wishing Andrew a happy ( unbelievable! ) 20th!! What a handsome young man he is. I know you are so proud. By the way, Jonah is JUST NOW sleeping in his own bed in the first grade!! Only because it's a new bunk bed with his brother. But still loves to sleep holding mom's hair!" (12/15/08)

the Water Song

The Water Song...


December 10, 2008 2 am

The Water Song

Come, oh come! let us away~
Lower, lower every day,
Oh, what joy it is to race
Down to the lowest place.
This is the dearest law we know~
“It is happy to go low.”
Sweetest urge and sweetest will,
“Let us go down lower still.”
Hear the summons night and day
Calling us to come away.
From the heights we leap and flow
To the valleys down below.
Always answering to the call,
To the lowest place of all.
Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,
To go low and rise again.
Excerpt from Hinds’ Feet on High Places

I am feeling like the author of this song…

He is taking me low and lower still… HE is calling me to go there. Yes there is pain but it is sweet. I won’t say it doesn’t hurt, it hurts like I have never hurt before… the journey HE is leading me on is taking me lower and into the deepest dark places of my soul. He is showing that we must go there befo


re I can reach the highest heights of joy again. It is there that HE will empower me to pour out myself as a drink offering. Never before have I felt a despair like this or known it so intimately, not even during the darkest period of my life so many years ago. This despair is taking me to a place with HIM that I am not sure I have ever known and it is sweet. Painful but sweet. And I mean painful!!! HE is also showing me that the deepest or lowest part of the valley could be so beautiful. This journey is full of song. I can hear HIM in so many things… a card at just the right time, an email, the rain, the chatter of squirrels, the wind in the trees, the crunch of leaves, the birds singing, the lights on our tree, the comforting words of friends and family, a hug or a smile from my sweet husband, lunch with a friend, the chatter of women at a Christmas party, a sermon, a loving admonishment form my pastor or a phone call from my sweet boy. The love HE is embracing me with is so sweet. The journey is sweet. The journey from “shattered dreams” to joy may be long and hard but it is sweet. Thank you Lord for this journey!

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LJ says...
"Thanking the Lord that you are following Him through the journey and love Him and are seeing Him!" (12/10/08)

Christmas Tree 2008

It is finished... I missed my "helper" terribly!!!

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Carrie says...
"had to laugh when you were talking about her only decorating the part of the tree that everyone see's. She helped me at work put our tree up last year. She did not put any decorations on the back. When Pam asked her why? she stated no one see's it. Pam stated but the backside is facing the window ? Rachel stated keep the blinds down, or just let the lights shine. No one will notice but the people who work in the office. We never did decorate the backside of the tree last year. I wish she was here this year to help. She could have gotten away with not doing the backside, as we moved offices and the tree is now in the training room in a corner. Pam made a comment today that we needed Rachel and would pay her like she did in the past. She also took it down for us last year. Pam bought her a book for taking it down. Plus I'm sure she got paid." (12/8/08)

Marie says...
"I don't know how you did it. My girlfriend Leighann's first Christmas with out her son Jake, she did not want to put her tree up. But she did, another girlfriend and I helped her. We cried the whole time that we were decorating. I never realized how bitter sweet Christmas could seem. So many emotions, every ornament is a memory. I don't even hang my own ornaments up without remembering where it came from, or who I was with when I got it. Even though Rachel wasn't physically putting the decorations on the tree, I believe she helped you. Even if decorating the front of the tree was her thing, you know she would have never settled for no tree at all! She's still pushing you to do what she would want. That's what these girls do to us, demand crazy things out of us! And we do it, because we love them so so much. Do you still buy yourself an outfit or fix your hair a certain way, and here her voice asking, "Are you going to wear that?" I call Taelor my talking mirror. I can still see Taelor doing Rachel's hair for cheer, smell her special hairspray. (the one we can't use!) It's neat how they can hug your heart, even when you're not with them. I hope she hugs you tight today. She's proud of the tree. Love you, Marie" (12/9/08)

2:45 am

2:45 am

I am laying in bed all snug in my warm bed, sleeping… I wake up and think surely not? Well surely it IS 2:45… What is up with that Lord?
It is still and very quiet… please, why 2:45?

I want to spend some time with you

Really, does it always have to be 2:45 in the morning?

Sometimes…

This time I get right up, no waiting around. I know better. And these are sweet times He and I have together. I do look forward to them even at the earliest times. He will let me nap later.
Today was a hard day for many reasons, but I believe that He is using it. Heather’s death has opened a still very fresh wound… it takes me back to that night with Rachel. I remember the phone call, the girls at work, arriving at Parkland at the same time Chris arrives with Steve and Cathy, being led into the “Family Room” and refusing to go in “there” I know why they want me in there, I don’t want to go. I do… they tell us she will not live much longer… “Can we be with her?” I ask. They lead us in to see her and all I see is the most beautiful baby girl… How could this be happening??????? All I know to do at the moment is hold her sweet hand and whisper in her ear… baby girl I love you, you are the bestest girl in the world. Your daddy and I love you so much… we love you no matter what. The next thoughts that come to my mind are, “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me” and “ for I know the plans I have for you a plan to prosper you and not to harm you.” I kept repeating these over and over with my ear pressed to her chest, so I can hear her heart beat… I want to pick her up and hold her, instead all I can do is hold her hand and keep talking. I don’t want to miss a minute of her precious life… Minutes before they came in to pronounce her dead, I remember whispering in her ear, I love you baby girl, go be with Jesus baby girl, sleep sweet baby girl… over and over again until I knew she was with Jesus.

Lord,that was hard, really hard, going back to that night...

I know… that’s enough for now. Rest in me...

I will go rest now and probably sleep sweet, I know we will have another one of these meetings and though hard, they are always very sweet! Thank you Lord for this journey...

On a bit of a lighter note, I finished the tree today. It was hard but I believe that she was there watching and laughing because #1, I decorated the side “nobody would see” and because it is really full, she would have been ready to finish after about half way. Remember what I said about the back side, I’m not kidding, last year she left the side nobody could see blank!

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LJ says...
"I love you!!" (12/9/08)